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Why, Monster, Why?

Being Frankenstein's monster is a confusing gig. You exist forever. You're immune to cold but you still wear a jock-ish hoodie and fingerless gloves. You're dead but also not dead and your soul rages and aches for meaning even though you have no soul. You have serious scars all over yourself until you become more and more aligned with your inner Aaron Eckhart and it makes you handsomer, like a kind of spiritual stretch mark cream. Then boom you accidentally fall in with the queen of the gargoyles (Miranda Otto) and she's telling you you're going to be a superhero in the brutal unseen battle between demons and angels -- with a ton of exposition and rules and regulations, the most complicated goth-kid board game in the world -- and also, by the way, now your name is Adam. "I should like to call you Adam," she says. You, naturally, would like a little time to mull this over, maybe suggest your own personal favorite boy-name, keep your sense of monster agency in this chaotic, eternal life of death, but no: "I tell you this, Adam," she blurts out, all business, to-do list already in hand, not skipping a beat. Seriously, this lady.

So then you run away for 200 years, hoping the queen of the gargoyles will forget about you and let you have some Me Time, a couple breezy centuries of brooding existential crisis, alone on a snowy mountain somewhere. But no, the demons find you and you realize that you're stuck fighting everybody and now Extremely Bored Check-Cashin' Bill Nighy's involved and so is his agnostic scientist employee (Yvonne Strahovski) who keeps trying to reanimate a dead rat, only that's just unwitting practice for Nighy's plan to revive about 10,000 other corpses so their soulless bodies can be impregnated with demons and TIME FOR MORE FIGHTING.

It is at this point that you, Adam Frankenstein, will try to inform the scientist that she's playing right into the hands of Bill Nighy, her mean boss, because he's pure evil and leader of all demons. "Oh, I don't believe in angels and demons," she says, just as a demon with his head on fire enters the room like Lenny and Squiggy used to do (Google it, young people). Perfect comic timing, really. "OH SH#$!" yells the scientist. More fighting.

The worst thing about being Adam Frankenstein is that you still don't know exactly why you're fighting or what's in it for you. They keep telling you the fate of the world is at stake but you never get to see any of those world citizens. They sure don't live in all the dank tunnels and abandoned churches where the action goes down. It's bad enough that you're eternally dead-alive and soulless and being hounded by the gargoyle queen who keeps trying to boss you, now you also have to live in the sets from Underworld and fight for people you will never have the opportunity to meet, pick flowers with and possibly toss into a drowning-lake. It sucks on every level, with no benefits or mental health days. Do not apply for the job of being Adam Frankenstein.


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