Who’s In It: Michael Madsen, Bill Moseley, Reynaldo Rosales, Heidi Dippold, Julie Ann Emery, J.P. Davis, Leslie Easterbrook
The Basics: It’s about this spooky house and some dumb people trapped inside. This bickering couple runs over some metal junk in the road and their tires blow out and a spooky chicken flies into their passenger side window and then a spooky cop tells them to go to the spooky house where a spooky lady and her spooky sons hang around telling all the potential guests that they have evil sins living in their hearts, which is not a welcoming gesture found in too many hotel management training manuals, but whatever. Then they find a spooky tin can and a spooky meat locker and a room with a spooky ice floor and this spooky girl with glowy E.T. fingers who lives in the spooky basement. Oh, and there’s a murderer outside the house that will kill them if they try to leave. And the spooky girl is Jesus.
What’s The Deal: Wait, I’ll back up. The murderer outside isn’t even really the baddest guy in the movie—Sorry, am I spoiling it all for you? Like you care. I’m saving you some money. If you think you’re actually going to waste your time on this inept nightmare of boredom and borrowed ideas then you can stop reading now—because the baddest guy in the movie is the spooky cop who’s kind of like Satan. And he has to fight the spooky Jesus Girl in an ultra-spooky climactic game of “Kick the Can.” That would be the spooky tin can I mentioned earlier. It’s got a lot of rules on how not to die before the movie ends written all over it, rules that no one pays any attention to at all. Also there’s a goat that breathes black smoke in a pentagram on a wall behind a spooky curtain.
Why That Pentagram Breathes The Black Smoke: Because black smoke is extra spooky, especially when a goat drawn inside the pentagram on a wall starts breathing it. And it looks cool in the newspaper ad, the one they use to make you think that there’s going to be some rad Satanic stuff in the movie. But there’s not. None at all. In fact, it’s based on a Christian horror novel (I know, I didn’t know those existed, either.) so ultimately what you get is a Sunday School lesson set in a haunted house.
Hold Up, I Forgot To Tell You About All The Pies: There’s a great part in the middle where you realize that one of the women in the house is stuck there because she killed a guy. And why did she kill the guy? Because he molested her a lot when she was a kid and then made her eat crazy amounts of pies to keep her quiet. And the best part is when they show you her childhood bed all covered in pies. Like someone on the production end of things thought, “Whoa, that’s going to be so amazing and so powerful when we show all those pies.” Of course, why she has to be punished for killing that guy is sort of beyond my understanding. Because he deserved it.
Extra Awful Stupid Weirdness: May, in fact, be the first movie in cinema history that did not deserve an “R” rating on any level for any of its content but that most likely lobbied to get that rating for horror movie cred.