Dave White
Hitman Review

Dave's Rating:

1.0

It ain't like it's cinema.

Who's in It: Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko, Robert Knepper

The Basics: If you're going to be a hit man, why not be totally shiny-bald with a UPC barcode tattooed on the back of your head? Why not have no name or emotions or libido at all? Why not just be the human version of Jaws and wipe out everyone you get assigned to obliterate? And extending these rhetorical questions to the movie itself, why not have zero plot beyond shooting and explosions and stuff? Who cares? It's based on a video game. It ain't like it's cinema. The world's going to end soon and nothing matters. Kill! Kill! Kill!

What's the Deal? I think what I'm really trying to say here is that this movie is a reasonably good time considering that it's crap. It's crapness is no secret to me or to you or to the people who made it. It is what it is. So then the question becomes: Couldn't you just, you know, stay home and play the game and BE AN ASSASSIN YOURSELF FOR TWO HOURS? No? Instead you want to go watch Olyphant get paid to do basically the same thing you'd do by playing the game? What if it was Olyphant playing Guitar Hero for two hours? Would you pay to see that?

What You'll Get If You Decide to Kill That Time With This:
1. The knowledge that Vin Diesel, who produced it, was probably wanting to play the Olyphant part but backed out for some reason, and if you're like me, you could spend the entire running time inventing stupid scenarios as to why that didn't happen.
2. Lots and lots of the world's most accomplished bad-movie actors who do not speak English as a first language.
3. Plentiful violence and overwrought destruction, because there is no good reason to simply shoot when you can detonate.
4. "Feminism Failed" Bonus Feature: One female character. She is a hooker.

Equally Bad Films Featuring Weaponry That Are Also More Fun Than This: Domino, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!

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