Dave White
Haven Review

Dave's Rating:

0.5

… the Dumb is not fun …

Who's in It: Bill Paxton, Orlando Bloom, Zoe Saldana, Anthony Mackie, Agnes Bruckner, Stephen Dillane

The Basics: It's just what you were waiting for — a Crash-meets-Traffic crime-romance drama about intersecting lives and bummer-y hopelessness, as directed by someone really into Quentin Tarantino. Bloom is a humble fisherman who falls for Saldana. Her brother (Mackie) doesn't like this and throws some acid in Bloom's face. How does this connect to Paxton's bad-guy millionaire character? Barely. That's the random-intersection part.

What's the Deal? Dumb is not always a bad quality in a movie. But when the Dumb is not fun and you're forced to make your own, it's best if you're in the right place and the right time. Here's what I mean: If I had been able to watch this on DVD (which it should have gone straight to) with a group of friends who were in a mocking mood, I would have dug it more. Because with Dumb, there's no such thing as bad or good, really — just interesting and boring. And this one's boring.

How Long, Oh Lord? Close to two full hours. Because it has so much to say. And because they flash back to scenes you've already watched a lot. Without the flashbacks, it would have been about 90 minutes long.

There's a Character Named "Hammer": And he doesn't say the words "Too legit to quit" even once. Can someone please cast the talented Anthony Mackie in something good? He had to be in Crossover, too. Give this guy a break.

People on Drugs Are Either Tragic or Automatically Hilarious: And the ones here, not that they're major characters or anything, are very funny. But I watched them because the major characters' stories are laughable and make almost no sense. That left me free to roam.

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