Dave's Rating:

0.5

House of pain.

I thought coming down with the flu would be the worst thing to happen to me this week. But that was a few days ago when I was still sweating it out in bed and coughing up my lungs. That was a happy time. That was a time before my immune system was further compromised by A Haunted House.

Occupying the cultural space that exists at the intersection of the least developed idea anybody in the Wayans family ever had, the greatest, best-try comedic strivings of the Epic Movie and Date Movie guys, that floating island of plastic garbage in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and whatever the physical manifestation of absolute boredom and uselessness might look like, the film is a first draft parody of Paranormal Activity, The Devil Inside, The Exorcist and The Last Exorcism. Its funniest gags involve farts.

A guy (Marlon Wayans) asks his girlfriend (Essence Atkins) to move in with him. And when she's finally sharing his bed her farts make the sheets blow up like wind machines ghost-animating the linens. This is hilarious because her farts are possessed. She, too, is possessed. A handsy gay psychic (Nick Swardson, whose career, when he's not busy in films like Bucky Larson, is pretty much this sort of thing) and a prison priest (Cedric the Entertainer) are brought in. Eventually, the girlfriend has to be beaten senseless because she's ruined everything with her demonic ghost farts.

That's kind of it. There's a lot of yelling and people being dragged around by unseen spirits and Wayans being raped by ghosts and Cedric the Entertainer calling Atkins a "crazy bitch."

And in the absence of any other reason to exist, the point of the film is that women are like Satan and will destroy your life. Or maybe ghosts are like farts and will destroy your woman. Actually, wait, wait, I think maybe the moral is that women should be beaten up when they move into your house and won't stop farting. Or maybe it's that this movie is just one huge fart. No, that can't be it, either. Because farts are funny.

Going to bed now. I'll be back up when the NyQuil's gone.

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