Who's In It: Scout Taylor-Compton, Brad Dourif, Malcom McDowell, Sheri Moon Zombie
The Basics: Michael Myers returns for the remake of the sequel to the original that was also remade by Rob Zombie. Guess what he does in it? If you guessed "has psychedelic visions of white horses and Sheri Moon Zombie before slaughtering everything in his path," then you can stay home, content in the knowledge that you already predicted what happens. Or you can do what I did and stay up until midnight to see it and fight to stay awake and wonder for a second if your bleary eyes are actually looking at Aimee Mann instead of Mrs. Z.
What's the Deal: If you could kill someone with sound--and, who knows, maybe you can--then this movie would be your weapon. Every killing, and every moment between the large number of them, is filled with noise. Cacophonous screaming slamming stomping noise. It's a nice complement to the relentless brutality, and makes you forget that there's no plot except for Mask-havin' Mike smashing naked prostitutes' heads into walls. You can just sit back and focus on the nasty, sadistic superviolence. As a fan of sick gore, I can say that the murders are all really satisfyingly gnarly, gross and mean-spirited, as murders should be. And that's really the only reason to go see it.
Funniest Set Decoration Moment: Scout Taylor-Compton, as the traumatized Laurie Strode (and sister to one M. Myers) from the first movie, has a huge poster of Charles Manson on the wall at the head of her bed. Because that's so healing.
Who's In An Entirely Different Movie: Malcolm McDowell, as the psychologist turned true crime writer chronicling Michael Myers career as a serial killer, all for an audience of morbid creeps. He's presented as having sold out to The Man for big cash and he gets to be all imperious male diva and have defensive hissy fits, which is always fun to watch. Also, it's hilarious to see a movie that thinks that just anyone can get rich writing books.
Best Cameo of 2009 That Isn't Eminem in Funny People: Weird Al Yankovic. Playing himself. Being awesome. And as a suggestion for the Auteur Zombie, please get Onch from that Paris Hilton BFF show for H3. Not that I want you to make H3 or anything, because these two have been dumbly pointless. If you need to get another sequel going, why not just make House of 1001 Corpses or The Devil's Other Rejects?