Dave's Rating:

0.0

The death of comedy.

Who's In It: Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Michael Douglas, Breckin Meyer, Lacey Chabert, Robert Forster, Anne Archer

The Basics: Slimy anti-marriage womanizer Matthew McConaughey attends his little brother's wedding and ruins it, but not before being visited by a post-death Michael Douglas and three lady-ghosts who're out to tame the wild sex-beast and make him a one-woman man. Specifically they want to steer him to his childhood sweetheart, the long-suffering Jennifer Garner. And here's how you know there's an afterlife, because Charles Dickens must have lost a poker game with Satan and had to pay up by allowing people to use his Christmas Carol template to make a soul-withering romantic "comedy" about the joy of monogamy.

What's The Deal: It's not that there are just a few or just minor laughs in this film. There are none. It makes every other rotten Matthew McConaughey movie--just pick your least favorite, any of them will do--appear reasonable, coherent and charming. Made with no concern for anything other than its stars' bottom line, it's insultingly stupid and condescending and seems to have been created with the intent of inspiring anger in its viewers. If there were justice in Hollywood, the finished product would shame its star into reading the scripts his people pass along to him before just nodding to a pitch and donating his paycheck to charity.

Just One Example Of Its Cynical, Willful Confusion: The ghost situation itself. The Ghost of Girlfriends Past, for instance, is a teenage girl who was McConaughey's first sexual encounter. Does that mean she died? And if so, how? Did she kill herself over Matthew McConaughey taking her virginity? Did she die young? Why is she dressed like it's 1987 if not? And then along comes the Ghost of Girlfriends Present. It's his female work assistant from earlier in the film. She's not dead. But she's a ghost. And she was never his girlfriend. So why does she care? And she moves from ghost form to living form whenever she wants. Does that mean she's been a ghost this whole time, plotting her moment to haunt him? And is the angelic Ghost of Girlfriends Future actually a ghost or some woman running around in a white sheet? I get the feeling that if these questions were ever asked during the process, they were met with a "Hey man, it's just a silly movie." And doesn't that make you feel good about giving money to the rich people who made it? Maybe if there'd been some laughs I wouldn't have had time to wonder about this stuff.

Best Parts, Besides The Free Wedding Cake Slices They Gave Out After The Press Screening In An Attempt To Bribe Us With Food: It's a tie between the moment when Lacey Chabert, as Breckin Meyer's bride-to-be, shrieks at McConaughey like a wild animal and calls him a bitch versus the moment during the visit with the Ghost of Girlfriends Future when all the girlfriends begin to bury McConaughey alive, throwing shovels of dirt into his face.

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