Dave's Rating:

2.0

… a new twist on Kindergarten Cop and The Pacifier

Who's in It: The Rock, Madison Pettis, Kyra Sedgwick, Roselyn Sanchez, Morris Chestnut

The Basics: The moppets — the cunning, plotting, cuteness-concentrated moppets, they will crush the spirit and melt the brains of self-involved adults every time. They will teach coldhearted grown-ups what love truly means. In movies, anyway. And that's what happens to the Rock when a little girl shows up at his door announcing that she's his daughter, demanding some parenting and bedtime stories. Over time, proximity to the small person turns the former wrestler-turned-actor-now-starring-as-football-player into a truly one-dimensional, badly scripted parent, the kind capable of raising a professional child actor.

What's the Deal? If you've spent a long time daydreaming about that special day when someone would put a new twist on Kindergarten Cop and The Pacifier, then your dream has finally come true. And if I had an elementary-school-aged female child in my life, I'd be first in line with her at the multiplex. To see Dragon Wars. Because kids don't need any more movies in their lives that remind them of how special they are and how dumb adults need to be educated on matters of responsible parenting. Kids need giant monster-fighting movies.

It's Funny Because He's a Big Tough Guy and Now He's Acting Sort of Gay: That's the subtext (and not so sub, really) when the Rock gets a lisp due to accidental cinnamon ingestion (his character is allergic) or is befuddled by tutus and other girly things. And then starts giggling like a little girl himself. Not that kids will notice this. They'll just be glad to eat concession candy and watch whatever you've paid money for them to see. And that's why I say take them to Dragon Wars instead.

Bottom Line: Inoffensive, sort of like those cruddy old '70s live-action Disney movies like Superdad and The Boatniks that, admittedly, I thought were really great when I was six. So let's say Dragon Wars isn't playing anywhere near you. You might as well go see this. It won't harm you or your child. Much.

What Could Have Saved It: A chimp. Like if the kid had shown up with a pet chimp in tow, one that got into everything and wreaked havoc? That would have been pretty cool and made me forget about how everything else is so boring.

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