Jen's Rating:


The scariest new movie of the week.

Who's In It: Brendan Fraser, Brooke Shields, Ken Jeong, Matt Prokop, Angela Kinsey, Rob Riggle

The Basics: Brendan Fraser is an urban developer whose company plans on razing an Oregon forest to build condos. When the local animals get wind of this -- because naturally, they understand English -- they mount a campaign of terror against poor, hapless Brendan Fraser. Ninety minutes later, he's been harassed, hit in the genitals, rolled around in a port-o-potty full of you-know-what by a bear, sprayed by skunks, punched in the face by a raccoon, and in perhaps the biggest blow to Brendan Fraser's career since Monkeybone, forced to prance around in a ladies' pink velour track suit with his middle-aged beer gut hanging prominently out. He learns lessons about the environment, apologizes to his incredulous wife (Brooke Shields) and unconvincingly moody teenage son (Matt Prokop), and stands up to his demanding boss (Ken Jeong) just in time for the local "Forest Festival" and then everyone involved takes part in a soul-crushing musical dance number that rolls over the end credits. Apologies for spoiling it all for you, but you're better off knowing what you're in for.

What's the Deal: I thought watching the new Nightmare on Elm Street and The Human Centipede in the same week would be frightening enough, but Furry Vengeance turned out to be just the cherry on top to send my faith in humanity hurtling over the edge. If the plot description above didn't send you running for the hills, then either you love terrible movies or you're a glutton for punishment. Front and center in this debacle is poor Brendan Fraser, who gives the humiliating script his all, so much so that he should really take a time out after this and think about where his career is going. Young kids who can still count their age on their fingers may LOL at the slapstick-heavy hijinks -- and the film's eco-friendly message is certainly a positive take away -- but any grown up caught chortling at these inane shenanigans, especially those involving Brendan Fraser pulling his goofy face into various rubbery grimaces, should have their right to watch actual good children's movies like Toy Story or How to Train Your Dragon revoked. We must stop Hollywood from continuing to make crappy family flicks, or else they'll keep giving us dreck like this. And if you're not part of the solution, well… you know the rest.

The Legitimately Funny People Who Are Stuck In This Movie: Ken Jeong, who I love in pretty much every single movie he's ever done EXCEPT for Furry Vengeance, plays Fraser's money-grubbing boss who lapses into unintelligible, nonsensical Asian-flavored jibber-jabber whenever he gets frazzled. Angela from "The Office," who plays Jeong's assistant-slash-girlfriend and spends the whole movie looking like she'd rather be working in her NBC cubicle set where she gets to act out actual funny material instead of being pooped on by angry birds.

The Environmental Joke That You Get Beaten Over the Head With: People claiming to live "green" who really don't, like those jerks who drive Hybrid SUVs or think buying sustainably-grown coffee at Starbucks lets them off the hook for killing baby seals and stuff. Fraser's character is one of those guys, but since he doesn't immediately "get it" the movie is one long string of eco-friendly jokes after another (interspersed, of course, with gags where Fraser sustains hot coffee spills/water/raccoon punches to the crotch).

Most Ridiculous and Inexplicable Movie Shortcut: Since they all speak different animal languages, the animals communicate via thought bubbles. Yes, thought bubbles. For example, when the raccoon launches his plan of attack on Fraser, a clip of Mel Gibson in Braveheart pops up in his bubble and instantly his people know what he's talking about.

More Stupid Things About the Animals In Addition to Understanding English and Talking in Thought Bubbles and Watching Braveheart: They're apparently avid hobbyists, since the raccoon has a diagram of the town made of dirt and miniature buildings made of twigs. They build elaborate Rube Goldberg devices in the forest that they use to basically murder the douche bag motorists who mess with them. They sound very much like real animals, except that when they pull a good prank on you they all laugh like Nelson from "The Simpsons." ("HAAA-ha!") The ferret has a telescope.

Just When You Think Being Tossed in a Port-o-Potty, Forced to Wear Women's Underwear, And Being Sprayed In the Face By Skunks A Hundred Times Is Bad Enough: Brendan Fraser has a fist fight with a raccoon. Which proceeds to then Pee. Into. His. Mouth. And if you think that's the worst it can get, well then just stick around for the choreographed cast sing-a-long that rolls during the end credits in which every actor in the film is roped into lip-synching to a cover version of Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Brain." It's a bizarre piece of WTF that almost distracts you from the 90 minute abomination you've just seen, but really just completes the litany of idiotic filmmaking choices that made the whole thing so unwatchable to begin with.


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