Dave's Rating:

1.0

Watch "Pom Poko" instead.

Who's In It: Brendan Fraser, Brooke Shields

The Basics: Brendan Fraser is a land developer who wants to bulldoze an entire forest to build a sprawling suburbia. The local animals don't like this and set about to ruin his entire life. They're computer generated animals and that's why they can do things like set up catapults and pulleys, drive cars and work the turntables at all-wildlife disco dance parties. Why they can't also speak feels like a cheapo budget decision on the part of the filmmakers.

What's The Deal: Brendan Fraser takes hot coffee, a raccoon bite and a sprinkler blast to the crotch (resulting in someone calling him "Mr. Pee Pee Pants," which made me laugh). The raccoon also pees in his face. Skunks spray him until his skin turns green. Birds peck his eyes. He has to bathe in tomato juice while wearing a woman's bra and then he slips and fall in the tub. He wears ladies sweat pants with the words "Yum Yum" emblazoned on the butt. The animals put acorns in his cereal, a bear rolls him around in a very full Porta-Potty and bees sting his face until it practically explodes. So if you hate Brendan Fraser and want to see him suffer for 90 minutes, here's where to get it.

Who This Movie Is For: Not you. It is, however, for your kids. In the small private screening I attended there were about a dozen children under the age of 8 or so who were all laughing their heads off. This will be a movie they'll return to in 20 years and wonder why they thought it was so great. But for now they're free to love it. Kids always love crap like this.

Quality Of The Digital Animals: The furry ones seem to have been well designed and pretty realistically executed. Sort of. The birds, weirdly enough, look like they flew over from the set of the zero-budget cult film Birdemic

. Go look at the trailer for that one on YouTube. You'll see what I mean.

Don't Do As I Did, Reader, Or You'll Miss What I'm Told Is The Best Part Of The Film: See, I had to run across town to catch the new A Nightmare on Elm Street. It's not like I left early for no good reason. But as soon as the animals enacted the furriest portion of their vengeance, I had to bolt. If only I had waited around for 15 more seconds I could have seen the closing credits where all the actors and animals perform an elaborate dance number to Cypress Hill's "Insane in The Membrane." I hear there's even a bit where they parody The Blue Lagoon. I regret missing that the most because for all I know it was the only moment when Brooke Shields didn't appear to be in total agony at having to make a living this way.

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