Dave White
Frozen Review

Dave's Rating:

2.0

Extreme sports meets extreme wolf potluck.

Who's In It: Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore, Kevin Zegers

The Basics: Some college kids get stuck on a ski lift with a blizzard coming and the slopes closed for the next five days. There are also some wild animals in the woods that are kind of hungry. So yeah, excellent setup. And then... not much happens. To kill time before the inevitable, they sit around, shiver, let icicles grow from their snot and talk about Return of the Jedi, giving you a sneak preview of what the long-awaited Kevin Smith-directed horror movie could look like if he decides to just phone it in.

What's The Deal: In the classic mystery Laura, actor Clifton Webb, as a snooty guy with quips, famously says, "I should be sincerely sorry to see my neighbor's children devoured by wolves." But he didn't live long enough to see this movie or he'd have thought twice about that assertion. Because this Open Water-like bit of business about something really horrible you hope never happens to you (and it's a premise that they make seem way too scarily possible) forgets to ratchet up suspense by giving its three PYTs nothing to do but wait to become ice-cold snowboarder snacks. Worse, you not only kind of hope those wolves show up sooner than they do, when they get there you'll find yourself thinking, "Well they're really attractive wolves, so well-groomed with those piercing wolf eyes, they really do deserve to eat just like everybody else."

Standard Horror Cameo In 3... 2... 1...: Kane Hodder as snowplow guy.

Most Telling Bit Of Dialogue: A "since we're all going to die anyway let's talk about breakfast cereals we really like" chat featuring Crunchberries, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and retro Lucky Charms. That they fail to include Kaboom! or Urkel-Os shows that all their Jedi BS-ing wasn't really that committed to winking, Tarantino-ish, pop culture nerdiness.

More Complaints, Spoiler-Free:
1. Characters are improbably cell phone-deficient.
2. Weird, almost miracle-like development in third act.
3. Characters possess serious lack of thinking ability and survival skills. Even when it comes to stuff like zipping up their coats all the way. It's like Touching The Void for morons.

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Comments (4)

Vijay Raju - 2-02-2011 12:32 PM
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I just don't get why the guy didn't wait longer before jumping down from the chairlift. That's why he gets eaten by wolves.

andrew - 8-17-2012 6:47 AM
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It was easier to escape than to die, they had everything available to survive the night, then in the morning they could tie their jackets from the sleves and scarves, that would make a 6 or 7 mts long rope, the kid that jumped tries again, then skateboards back to the village, easy.

nfchpugy - 11-30-2013 12:17 AM
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1

words - 3-15-2014 3:53 PM
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Why don't the guys and girl form a human chain? How is her hand not frostbit the hell off at the end?

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