Dave White
Firewall Review

Dave's Rating:

1.0

… loony …

Who's in It: Harrison Ford, Virginia Madsen, Paul Bettany, Alan Arkin, Robert Forster, Robert Patrick

The Basics: Did you know that identity theft is not just an inconvenience that your credit-card company can clear up, but is, in fact, something that will cause your family to be kidnapped and murdered? Unless you're Harrison Ford, that is. Then you're Han Effin' Solo, and no one gets in your way.

What's the Deal? This dude is 63 now. That's some patented AARP battle technique he's got going on, jumping on guys half his age, beating 'em down and showing 'em who's the boss. And there's, like, nine of them, too, all bumbling and showing their weakness for Han to exploit and use.

Excellent Loony Stuff That Is Included Free of Charge With the Price of Your Ticket: Technically, the following bits of information are not spoilers. And besides, if you think there is any other outcome to this movie than "they all lived happily ever after," then you haven't seen many movies. But here's what you get — the thrill of bad robbers stealing $100 million with nothing more than a rigged-up pink iPod Mini, the sight of a Christian rock band becoming instrumental (get it?) in helping Han outwit his terrorizers and a surprise cameo by a GPS embedded in a doggie collar. Look, you have to think outside the box to outwit these hacker bad guys today.

Ratio of How Laugh-Out-Loud Funny It Is to How Laugh-Out-Loud Funny It Was Intended to Be: 100-to-0.

Virginia Madsen's Mental to-Do List While Filming Scenes in Which All She Had to Do Was Look Scared or Cry:

1. Call roofers and schedule for Monday.
2. Check ING Savings balance.
3. Stop by sale at Barneys during lunch. Buy tons of new stuff.
4. Up agent's percentage.
5. Send Alexander Payne a postcard from location shoot.

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