Who's in It: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola, Parker Posey
The Basics: Blind violinist Alba (who, by the way, is all smirky about it, like when a guy almost gets hit by a car standing next to her on a street corner, he says, "Whoa! I didn't see that!" and she goes, "Neither did I" with a cute little superior smile) has a new-eyes operation and finally gets to see again. Except — oops! — they gave her haunted eyeballs. Now all she sees is Death stalking people when she's not busy caressing Nivola's face and wondering to herself how she and Posey can be sisters.
What's the Deal? When so-called horror movies aren't scary or suspenseful or giving you anything else but gloomy atmosphere and obvious, see-it-coming-in-5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1-style jolts, you have to occupy yourself in some other way. I had a giant pretzel from concession. Salt only. I also had a Hi-C Fruit Punch; I prefer Hawaiian Punch, but I make do when I have to. Like the way Jessica Alba makes do with the roles she's offered.
How You Know It's Going to Suck: Well, besides the by-the-numbers shock-cuts and watching J.A. stare uncomprehendingly at murky ghouls emerging from the darkness to grab at lost souls to not recommend it, did you see the original Chinese version of this? Even that one was dull slacker-horror, only notable for being directed by someone named Oxide.
Hey, Parker Posey Fans: I know you're out there. I'm one of you. I think she's great. But you can skip this. Because she's just "The Sister" here. She never gets to be the woman you like her to be, all smarter-than-everybody and daring you to think she's taking anything seriously.
Much Better Alba Movies: Good Luck Chuck, Into the Blue and Honey. In fact, I'm not even kidding about Honey, which is the story of a cute young choreographer who uses her mad foot skills to save a threatened community center that helps kids stay off the streets. It's pretty underrated and totally worth watching for the part where Missy Elliott comes in and gets mad that her video producers didn't hire Honey as the choreographer ("I said, 'Get me Honey Daniels!' ").