Dave's Rating:


Even your boredom will be bored.

Who's In It: Brandon Routh, Sam Huntington, Peter Stormare, Taye Diggs

The Basics: The huge vampire, werewolf and zombie communities of New Orleans are duking it out over a vintage piece of gothic home decor (a big cross-shaped stabby thing) and whoever takes control will also gain the upper hand in an upcoming humans-versus-monsters war. Standing in the middle, attempting to unravel the murder of the man who imported the object, is Dylan Dog, a reluctant private detective to the undead (or, at least in this case, private referee in a major beef over antiquing). He's tired of them all and you'll feel the same way once you're properly introduced. Let jokes about lifelessness commence.

What's The Deal: Let's say you're not yet fed up with the glut of zombie/vampire/werewolf projects spewing out of Hollywood, that no amount of overexposure to this genre can immunize you to characters who un-live to gnaw on human flesh. You don't even mind it when the opportunity to mix and remix ancient themes is wasted, abused by laziness and an arrogance that believes audiences won't notice or care that they're being sold the same bloodsuckers over and over. If that's you, then have a good time. Everybody else will have a better time revisiting Monster Squad or falling asleep.

Who To Feel Sorriest For: Routh. So far he's been miscast as Superman and now he's been miscast here. There's no way of telling if he's a talented actor or not because even though he's a working actor it's in all the wrong projects. Here he's supposed to be a hard-boiled underworld vet, a rake, a smart-ass, a clarinetist and a wounded soul mourning the loss of a dead girlfriend. He accomplishes none of that. Was he directed to this level of discomfort or is that just how he is all the time? It's a mystery yet to be solved.

Stupid Dialogue Round-Up: * "You know what they say about werewolf hair: it doesn't lie." * "This world will finally know my wrath." * "Those who would stop me are my enemy." * "No! Don't!"

Drinking Game Suggestion: Because it's set in New Orleans the score is often reduced to a lone, electric blues guitar of the bayou making that wow-ow-ow-ow-owwwww sound over and over, punctuating each moment when the aforementioned stupid dialogue isn't ruining everything that's not an already cheesy attempt at special effects.


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