Dave White
Donkey Punch Review

Dave's Rating:

2.0

Novelty murders featuring unusual instruments of death!

Who’s In It: Jaime Winstone, Nichola Burley, Sian Breckin, Jay Taylor, Tom Burke, Julian Morris, Robert Boulter

The Basics: So you’re three twentysomething ladies from Leeds, England, off on holiday in Mallorca, and you meet these three guys. And they seem so nice, too. Not at all like the kind of men who’d lure you out to sea, drug you, have group sex with you and then kill you and throw your body overboard. They’re so cute, how could they ever do that sort of thing? That happens to sluts, not Bridget Jonesy girls like you.

What’s The Deal: Do you kids not pay attention to anything? After years of public service announcements and very special episodes of Different Strokes and cautionary-tale horror films telling you over and over not to go with strangers to a second location, especially to their yacht that’s far from land where you can’t escape them, and then not to take drugs from those strangers with the yacht, and not to get all crazy-orgy-like with those strangers who gave you drugs on their yacht, and not to make homemade porn during it all, and most of all not to go around “donkey punching” each other until someone winds up dead from an embarrassing group sex accident, you still go ahead and do all of the above and wind up a tired movie cliché. Gives new meaning to the expression “done to death.”

Style And Substance Got In A Big Fight And Here’s Who Won: The cinematographer. It looks gritty and sun-bleached and urgent. That’s nice. And it’s very Now with its internet-and-amateur-porn-based sexual urban legends made repulsively real, but by the time the credits roll you realize that all you saw was a typical people-murdering-each-other movie, one where the pattern of logic concerning who lives and who dies is the same one you've seen a hundred times before.

Bonus Points For: Novelty murders featuring unusual instruments of death, comic relief from one character with a nearly incomprehensible (outside of a Guy Ritchie movie, that is) Chav-ish dialect, and decent house tracks to get stabbed to thanks to the good taste and expansive music catalog of co-producer Warp Records. It's simply more stylish to die alongside a cool soundtrack of M83, Broadcast and The Knife.

Just In Case You Have No Interest In Going To See This But You Still Want To Know What A “Donkey Punch” Is: How do I say this and keep my job? Sometimes when two people love each other very very much, they want to enjoy a tender moment in which one person—usually a guy—punches the object of his affection in the back of the head at the base of the brain when the other person that he loves very very much is facing away from him. I realize this explanation is somewhat inadequate and also sort of too much information. Like both at the same time. Look, I didn't make this movie and give it this title. Don't blame the messenger.

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