Who's In It: Sarah Jessica Parker, Hugh Grant, Sam Elliott, Mary Steenburgen, Elizabeth Moss, Jess Liebman, Michael Kelly, Wilford Brimley
The Basics: Hugh and Sarah Jessy P witness a murder and have to be witness-protectioned in Wyoming. She's shipped there in a big Vivienne Westwood bridal gown box. Hugh gets smuggled inside Sam Elliott's mustache. They think the guns in Wyoming are terrifying. Also the animals. And then there's all those delicious hearty breakfasts with bacon. So disgusting, all that meat. Who eats that? No one they know. They've never been to a Costco. This is really hilarious because everything's so big there! They can't sleep because they don't hear sirens or rumbling subways! Because they're New Yorkers! They wind up wearing a bull costume in a rodeo. Yep, that's a spoiler.
What's The Deal: When the world comes to a bitter, agonized end in a fiery deathball, and then, one million years in the future, when visitors from other planets arrive on Earth's scorched husk and perform archeological digs, and they find this film and see it, they're going to determine that we all got what he had coming to us. It's the kind of movie you watch when you truly believe that everyone everywhere sucks and should die. In fact, even if you're not naturally misanthropic before you watch it, it's so blandly, training-wheels-level condescending to both big city people and small town people that it will inspire you to root for the bad guys and hope that they hunt down both of these characters and put them out of your misery.
Worst Part: SJP was on Letterman the other night and she was talking about having had the mole on her face removed. She was funny and charming and was doing a pretty good job of making you think, "Oh, yes, I like her. And that Hugh Grant, he's funny too. Maybe I will go see her new film. Maybe I'll bring my mom. She'll think it's cute. Then we'll split a hot fudge sundae." This line of reasoning is a big mistake. Not Old Dogs big. But pretty big. Go straight to hot fudge sundae.
Two Flickering, Brief, Bright Spots: Mary Steenburgen is Sam Elliott's wife, a gun-toting pioneer woman whose character is the most complex and intelligent in the film. And there's Mad Men star Elizabeth Moss, as SJP's uptight personal assistant, breaking off brittle dialogue and nailgunning it to the wall in her grand total of seven minutes on camera. It's the kind of thankless, only-one-note-allowed supporting performance that makes you wish the movie was about her character instead.
And To All You Maniacal Sex and the City Ladies And Gays: Not once does SJP wear a flower the size of a pizza or a or any sort of taxidermy bird on her head. You can sit this one out. Just Netflix Larry the Cable Guy's Witless Protection or that one with Kirstie Alley going undercover with the Amish instead. I promise a better time with either one of those.