Who's In It: Chris Messina, Logan Marshall-Green, Jenny O'Hara, Bojana Novakovic, Bokeem Woodbine, Geoffrey Arend, Jacob Vargas, Matt Craven, Joshua Peace, Caroline Dhavernas
The Basics: Five people stuck in an elevator. All of them have secrets. One of them has a huge secret. One of them is the guy who ate all that weed in Super Troopers. And one of them is The Devil. Because the five people are stuck, lots of other people are working hard to get them out, including a police detective with tragedy in his past and a devoutly Catholic security guard who has a kick-ass psychic hotline set up in direct communication with God, Satan, The Virgin Mary, Dracula, Mothra, Santa Claus and every other entity who knows when you've been bad or good. Naturally, he's the only character who knows everything that's going on and why. No one listens to him, though, because The Devil, see, he tricks you into not believing in him. Then he gets up in your elevator and makes it stick between floors and flashes the lights on and off.
What's The Deal: Have you ever had a wacky Sunday School teacher who filled your head with all sorts of idiosyncratic, personal-screw-loose stuff that was never in anyone's Good Book but that he or she just assumed was true because they once saw a "sign" or talked to God while they were dehydrated? That's this security guard character. Not making this up, there's a scene where a piece of toast falls jam-side-down on the floor and he interprets that to be a sign that Satan is near and according to the movie he's right. Satan makes your toast fall with the jam side on the rug. And why? To teach you a moral lesson. Now, I might have been doodling with crayons all through Sunday School, but when did Satan ever intervene in anyone's life to teach them the consequences of being bad? I thought his job was just to foment more badness and trick you into becoming the best blues guitarist alive. Meanwhile, this movie's job was to whip up a little fear and/or suspense, but it must have escaped through a crack in the elevator doors.
Other Satan Stuff You'll Learn From This Movie: The Devil always kills his last victim in front of the person the victim loves the most in order to make the survivors into cynics. Also, The Devil is a big fan of The Secret because apparently everything horrible that happens to you--stuck elevators, that wasted piece of toast--is a result of something you chose. You are responsible for the stuck elevator. That raspberry jam committed suicide because of you. Hope you're happy now.
What This Means For The Mind Of M. Night Shyamalan: Well, he only has a story/producer credit on it. He didn't write or direct. That means he can stand as close or as far away from it as he likes depending on how well it's received in the long run. Also The Last Airbender made a lot more money than they were expecting it to so he's got more annoying product up his sleeve. Coming soon.