Dave's Rating:


God hates your dull movie.

Who's in It: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen, Alfred Molina, Paul Bettany

The Basics: OK, so Hanks and Tautou have to set their decoder rings to 11 and uncover the big Catholic conspiracy or else Leonardo Da Vinci will rise from the grave and turn their ship upside down, possibly killing Tom Cruise. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the movie. I tried — I really did — but it was so damn boring that I kept fantasizing about other possible plot scenarios.

What's the Deal? It's impossible to talk about what happens in this movie without giving away the big secret. Just know that a murder committed in the Louvre leads code expert Hanks and French cryptologist Tautou on a very long, very talkative treasure hunt for an object that will help them know whether Christianity is true or not. And the effect is like watching your grandmother put together a puzzle of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for two and half hours.

The Best Parts: Bettany as the albino monk who constantly jumps out of the shadows to stab people. Then he goes home and flogs himself, which is even more hilarious. And then when Tautou drives backward to get away from some people who would like to kill them in the name of God. She does so like a French female Steve McQueen, dodging all sorts of death on wheels. I sat there thinking, "Well, she's Amelie, so of course that makes her magic."

Things to Do to Pass the Time While Stuck in This Movie … OK, Things I Did, at Least:
1. Think about how the plot resembles Kevin Smith's Dogma.
2. Wish this one also had Salma Hayek dancing to New Edition's "Candy Girl."
3. Pass note to viewing companion that reads "Candleshoe + Tom Hanks - Jodie Foster - Fun x Jesus = This Movie."
4. Fantasize about joining the religious protesters of this film with own homemade sign that reads "God hates your dull movie."


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