Who's In It: Harrison Ford, Ray Liotta, Ashley Judd, Jim Sturgess, Cliff Curtis, Alice Braga, Summer Bishil
The Basics: It's like that totally moronic movie Crash in that it's about a Big Issue and a random grouping of strangers intersecting as their lives come crashing down. And this time the Big Issue is immigration. One government official feels sorry for a single mother getting deported while her little boy gets abandoned. An Australian actress exchanges sex for a green card. An immigrant defense worker wants to adopt an orphaned African girl. A British musician poses as Orthodox Jewish in order to stay in the United States. A Muslim teenager gets detained for expressing sympathy for the 9/11 hijackers. A Korean kid on the verge of becoming naturalized gets involved with some gangbangers. A Persian family deals with their somewhat slutty goth daughter in the old-fashioned way. Yeah, it's a lot.
What's The Deal: It's also like that totally moronic movie Crash in that it's got all the subtlety of somebody grabbing your collar and shaking you as they bad-breath-yell, three inches from your face, their spit sprinkling you, and deliver extremely important wisdom you have to hear about RIGHT NOW. You will learn exactly nothing about immigration that you didn't know or already guess to be true, so the only pleasure involved is watching these little ants all get cooked by the sun under a big magnifying glass.
Best Scenes, And By "Best" I Mean Most Unintentionally Hilarious:
1. When the Australian actress who exchanges her body for a green card (with that gnarly Ray Liotta, no less) is all done with her first sexy-session and she crouches in the shower and scream-cries like she's being electrocuted. In the Histrionics Hall of Fame it will never be as great as the scene in the amazing trash-classic The Lonely Lady in which Pia Zadora does exactly the same thing--because when Pia did it the floating heads of all her enemies swirled around her, taunting her into madness--but it's as good as you're going to get right now.
2. When the Korean gang member wannabe helps rob a liquor store and the brother of the Persian goth chick happens to be on the scene. Persian guy points a gun at Korean kid while Korean kid holds a gun to the store owner's head. Everyone's freaking out and screaming. And then? Persian guy stops the action for this extra-long monologue about the responsibilities and privileges of American citizenship. I swear I'm not making this up.
And Now I'd Like To Give A Shout-Out To My Friend Chil Kong, Who Plays the Korean Kid's Dad: I'm glad this movie isn't any good because when you see someone you know in a film and that person is sharing a scene with Harrison Ford, you stop thinking about the goodness or badness of the movie. In fact, it takes you out of the movie for good because all you can do is think, "Hey that's my friend up there talking with Harrison Ford!" And the best news of all is that my friend Chil doesn't get any of this movie's stink on him, so I can be truthful when I tell him, "Yeah the movie sucked but you were really cool."