Who's In It: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Jason Flemyng, Gemma Arterton, Alexa Davalos, Nicholas Hoult, Pete Postlethwaite, Elizabeth McGovern
The Basics: Zeus and the other gods are mad because the humans are rebellious and so Hades cranks up a little clashing of titans and sends in giant monster scorpions and the Kraken. Perseus, son of Zeus, has to come in and battle on behalf of humanity. The names I just wrote are from actual Greek mythology. Except for the Kraken, which are apparently of Norse and Icelandic legend. Anyway, if you're of a mind to, you could go read up on that stuff instead of paying good money to see this film. It would be more fun and the book wouldn't be in really rotten 3D either. You could even go to the library, where the books are free.
What's The Deal: There are moments in this movie where the cheesiness approaches the awesomely crappy early '80s version, the one with the Ray Harryhausen stop-motion monsters. But only moments. And that's not enough. You want full-on Frito Pie-level hot melted goodness, and this movie forgets its responsibility to that task, instead busying itself trying to be anthemic and battle-y, wanting to wow you with monsters and decapitations you've seen before in better places, failing to give you the kind of idiocy you're really hoping to experience. Instead it commits the worst sin of all: it's dark and doze-off dull.
Ow, My Eyes: Can you jerks in Hollywood stop making every single movie into a 3D pile of mush? I know that you have no original ideas left in your moneybrains but taking a film and sending it through the 3D post-production carwash doesn't make it shiny and exciting, it just makes it look like everything's a fuzzy accident. There are seriously moments here where it appears that human heads are floating out in front of the hair that's supposed to be attached to them, times when taking OFF the glasses gives you a clearer picture of what's happening right in front of you and entire sequences where you think you're looking at a sponge cake with five o'clock shadow and then, oops, it's actually Sam Worthington. One time in college I watched Robot Monster on TV with red/blue 3D glasses from 7-11 and that was better for my eyes.
The Parts I Didn't Hate: The big creature made of twigs that Jen (co-critic here, go read her) said looked like a giant Ewok, the super-forehead ladies with eyeball-hands, the giant scorpions they battle and then wind up riding for some reason, Liam Neeson's glowy suit (and every moment he and Ralph Fiennes spend solemnly intoning hopped-up nonsense on Olympus) and realizing halfway through that the guy I kept calling "Natalie Portman-Boy" was actually waify Nicholas Hoult from A Single Man.
Who Should Have Made This Instead: Wes Anderson. He'd have gone back and stop-motioned the creatures, filled all the dead air with intentional dead air, and there'd have been some 1971 copy of Bullfinch's Mythology opening up and floating in your face from time to time explaining it all for you in Futura.