Who's In It: Nikki Reed, Keith David, Brad Dourif, Betsy Russell, Bai Ling, Matt Cohen
The Basics: An impossibly powerful, stealthy and strong maniac stalks and brutally murders a group of teenagers because they own cell phones and computers and won't forward his idiotic and stereotypically Halloween-ish chain email. And that's it. That's the story. They get message, they hit "delete" and a thundering noise erupts as though their nonchalance has caused a booming rupture in space and time, which in turn has somehow signaled the killer and sealed their doom. Then he hoists them up on jagged hooks that he's managed to rig to the skylights above their bedrooms. That he doesn't drop anvils on their heads like in Road Runner cartoons is just one of the many creative failures on his part.
What's The Deal: When a movie is this empty and lifeless, when there's no energy, no imagination, no original thought, no characters that matter beyond their capacity for splattering meat on the screen or concern for why this particular half-dozen teenage models merit elaborate death scenarios like being ripped in half by two cars driving in opposite directions (The Hitcher did it better, by the way, both of them) then you start to think, as you watch, about how much the budget was, and how many children in Africa just died of malaria because the producers raised money to fund the making of this useless garbage instead of donating it to a charity that provides mosquito netting for orphanages. That's what I think about anyway.
No One Will Be Seated During The Horrifying Phone Montage! Because the filmmakers realized at some point during the production that there needed to be connective tissue between the ho-hum slaughtery parts, they invented a through-line (don't make me call it a "plot") involving a secret cult of anti-technology terrorists. So then they show you all these kids with phones, like one after the other, to prove a point about how people sure do like using their phones to send messages, communicate with friends and call their parents and just sit around asking to be murdered.
It's Okay To Be As Much As One Hour Late To See It. Here's Why: If you wind up actually sitting through the entire movie you're treated to a full recap of important plot point flashbacks to remind you that you just saw them and that they all mean something about how phones and laptops are going to make you get stabbed in the face someday by this guy in a mask.
Two Things About It That Aren't Completely Horrible: Betsy Russell, of Avenging Angel fame, is in it. She has nothing to do but I always feel good about her getting work. So don't feel sorry for her. She's already been in multiple crappy Saw sequels so she's used to showing up for a job, giving her time card to the second second assistant director and then calling it a day with a bag of leftover Milano cookies from craft services in her purse. Okay, that last part was speculation. She's really thin and pretty and probably doesn't eat too many cookies. Also, Bai Ling is in it and she's wacky, one of my favorite people on GoFugYourself.com.