Grae's Rating:

0.5

Sucky Larson: Born to be a Waste of Time

I bet you weren't counting on Bucky Larson to be a seminal film exposing both the city of Los Angeles as well as the adult film industry for being soul-crushing, filthy, and brutal. Well, the good news is, it isn't. If anything, it's just one film out of many filled with completely bizarre and sometimes indecipherable euphemisms for sex and body parts. I don't mean for that last sentence to sound like a recommendation--for those of you who enjoy referring to icky things indirectly and count on pop culture to help you do this, just use google instead and save your hard-earned money. Don't put yourself through this train wreck of a movie. Unless of course you enjoy feeling like the screenwriter is hovering at your elbow during the film screaming "GET IT?!" after every joke.

Bucky Larson (Nick Swardson) learns that his Wonder Bread family has skeletons in their Iowa closets--his parents Jeremiah (Edward Hermann) and Debbie (Miriam Flynn) were once famous porn stars. So, figuring the talent runs in the family, he rushes off to Hollywood to make adult films himself. To note, it's difficult to discern whether Bucky is one sandwich short of a picnic, cluelessly virtuous, or developmentally disabled. All we know for sure is that he has the hair of a 1960s British Shakespearian actor, a jacked-up grill, and a monogrammed sweater vest (which is the best part of the movie). Anyway, keeping in step with other Screenwriting 101 projects from Adam Sandler's Happy Madison company, he instantly meets Kathy, the girl of his dreams (played by Christina Ricci), and a porn director Miles Deep (Don Johnson). Once Miles and the porn industry figure out that they can make fun of Bucky's diminutive penis size in addition to his crazy teeth, things really take off. And by "take off," I mean "remind the audience that they can get their money back." Bucky gets everything he ever set out to get, including the girl. Have I spoiled the movie enough to discourage you from ever watching it?

This movie is taking poorly written stabs at all kinds of different communities without showing any affection for any of them. The best kind of comedy comes from even the smallest amount of endearment, and this movie has none, leaving it a black smoking crater of bad, unfunny juju. An Iowan farmer drops his pants in the goat pen, chatting with passerby about the weather while the goats do…something. Bucky's friends are all members of The Arrested Development Gang, sitting in their parent's basement giving him vague instructions on how to masturbate within 2 minutes of him walking in. A waitress in Los Angeles refuses to take his order and instead insists on making fun of his teeth. Porn actors all have a dildo stashed somewhere nearby to taunt you with. The easy jokes go on and on, compounding the nauseating effect of the movie. When the credits rolled, I almost liked it just based on the fact that it was over.

For all screenwriters Sandler, Swardson, and Allen Covert's lack of ambition to bring anything remotely interesting to the screen, there are a couple of things that made me chuckle. One of them is Bucky's outrageous roommate Gary (Kevin Nealon). Los Angeles seems to be a city overflowing with crazy people, and chances are, you're going to live with one of them at some point. Whether it's hiding in Bucky's closet, accusing him of stealing one grape from his bunch, or making gross kissy noises at Christina Ricci, Nealon looked like he was having fun. Also getting credit for brightening up the movie is Stephen Dorff, playing famous porn star Dick Shadow. He proclaims that "nothing grows in [his] dick's shadow." Unfortunately, they drive that line into the ground too, along with buck teeth references and size jokes. Can we all promise not to see this movie and help Happy Madison understand that their stale movies need a breath of fresh air? Please?

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