Who's In It: Gerard Butler, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis, Christine Baranski
The Basics: Aniston jumped bail, Butler's the bounty hunter sent to bring her to justice. That's the plot of Midnight Run, retrofitted rom-com style. But, see, also there's the thing of how she's a reporter on the trail of a murder cover-up and she thinks that one of his former cop buddies is involved and some bad guys have kidnapped her informant and some other bad guys have kidnapped one of her co-workers and somehow a tattoo parlor is involved and then along comes Carol Kane for three seconds and you think, "Oh, hey I remember her from when she was on Taxi and in The Muppet Movie! They used to let her be in movies back then." Unless you're young, then you just blip right over her as Some Lady. Then some more stuff happens, Aniston plays with her hair a lot, there's some shooting and then they kiss because that's how you knew it would end anyway.
What's The Deal: During this unfunny, unattractive, uninspired, unintelligent nine-hour film, I thought about how I really need to do some laundry because I'm almost out of socks. Then I thought about taking the car to get washed and detailed. After that I thought about jelly donuts for a while and how hard it is to find the good kind with actual preserves in them instead of that thick red flavored goo. For a minute when the movie shifted gears and the plot took them to Atlantic City I thought about how long it must take Snooki to get her hair together every day. Then I decided to go make a phone call--I'm polite and did that outside of the screening room--and considered leaving early but realized how wrong that would be and I didn't want to let down the noble profession of people who sit in dark rooms for a living.
According To OK Magazine, Jen Wants To Settle Down And Start A Family But She Still Claims That She And Butler Are Just Friends: It's wrong to blame a failure on the stars. They're only cogs in the machine. But something was distracting these two actors. I have no idea what. But whatever it was, it resulted in a powerlessness on their part, a chemistry drain, one that only aggravated the laziness of the whole project. And I think it supports my long-held belief that only people who actually hate each other should play comedy lovers on screen.
Who Will Like This Film: And I know that someone will enjoy it because I heard those people chuckling every time Aniston and Butler would have one of those movie squabbles that couples who hate-love each other always get into. She'd be all indignant and chirp, "Are you serious? Are you listening to yourself?" or "You're so disgusting!" and then he'd volley back with a growled, "That's so like you! You're impossible! I'm glad we're divorced!" I don't know who you chucklers are but I would like to interview you some time so I can figure you out. The profile I'm building lists The Wedding Planner as one of your all-time faves and you probably call movies you tolerate but quickly forget about "cute" with some frequency. If this is you then go buy that ticket right now.