Who's in It: Jamie Draven, Vinessa Shaw, Grace Fulton, Joe Morton
The Basics: Fans of insanely bad and inept film, here's your next must-see. It's Canadian. Set in Wyoming. Starring a British guy whose accent is sometimes generic-hick-Texan. Oh, he's an Iraq vet. He comes home and is treated badly by his pregnant wife. He snaps. Shoots her in the face. Then shoots his two young sons at a really long distance and takes them both out, so he's basically sniper-level-talented at murdering people. Then his little daughter begs, "Please, Daddy, don't kill me!" So they go on the lam. He gets a job at a diner, like on Alice. But no one ever says, "Kiss my grits!" (That's disappointing.) Then a lot of nothing happens for the rest of the 160-minute (!) running time. Then, it all comes crashing down on him.
What's the Deal? There's a lot to love about this doomed indie production. I dig how no one bothered to think, "Oh, there's already a great movie out there called Badlands?" And if they did, then their next thought was, "Well, OK, then. Ours won't have the S." I also love how dumb all the characters are. The guy and his little girl are the objects of a nationwide manhunt, their pictures on TV and in the papers, but no one in the town notices that it's them. I also love how there's not just one but several scenes of the murderer-vet ruining food in the diner, too-long takes of him messing up fried eggs and burning toast. He can pick off his own kids at 100 yards, but he can't make toast. And then there's even an original song that blares on one scene, post-family massacre, about how the guy is an emotionally scarred veteran. Here's a sample of the growling folkie lyrics:
"I'm war's re-creation! I'm damnation's incarnation!"
Yes, really.
Other Great Scenes: I will now begin delivering spoilers, just so you know. But you don't care. And if you do, then you're the director. Veteran character actor Morton (The Brother From Another Planet) is the town sheriff who's also a vet and a total crazy drunk. He gets some good alcoholic ramblings in. He even has a great death scene — his head all covered in blood like someone dunked him in ketchup — after the murderer-vet guy pistol-whips him. Morton sort of lounges casually on the ground next to a tree, having a long conversation with the murderer-vet guy about how meaningless it all is. Then he just slumps over and dies.
Do NOT Stop Watching It, Even Though It Feels Nine Hours Long, Or You'll Miss: An ending that will blow your mind with horrible hilarity. I would throw out another spoiler, but I want you to experience the same sort of laugh-out-loud excellence that I got handed to me by this deeply moronic movie.