Dave's Rating:

1.0

Pregnancy for Dummies.

Who's In It: Jennifer Lopez, Alex O'Loughlin, Michaela Watkins, Eric Christian Olsen, Anthony Anderson, Noureen DeWulf, Melissa McCarthy, Tom Bosley, Robert Klein, Linda Lavin

The Basics: She's a pet store owner with an adorable disabled dog, who gets artificially inseminated on the same day she meets The Guy. And then she can't bring herself to tell him how she got herself intentionally pregnant because she believed she'd never meet The Guy. So that becomes a big secret/fake conflict the movie resolves as quickly as steam dissipating on adorable disabled dog poo. And then when The Guy (gallantly? the movie thinks so anyway) gets on board with raising twins that he didn't help make with his golden DNA, she pushes him away because, you know, she's been hurt and can't trust any man, ever. Then The Guy rips off his shirt and throws her pregnancy comfort pillow in the garbage to prove he's the only pillow she needs. He sure showed her. I think I just told the story out of sequence. Not that it matters. A total re-edit wouldn't fix this movie anyway.

What's The Deal: This film succeeded at one thing, and that was making me write down several pages worth of questions about what was happening on screen and why. Like I thought maybe I had been slipped some make-stupid drugs in my Hi-C red drink (thank you, Grove Theater in L.A., for keeping that among your beverage options), questions that kept me confused from beginning to end. For instance, why does Jennifer Lopez narrate, via voiceover, the story of why she's being artificially inseminated while she's being artificially inseminated? Does she need to remind herself that everything that came before wasn't a dream? Why do she and The Guy like each other at all besides hotness? Who's running The Guy's artisanal goat cheese farm and who's minding her rescue-dog pet store while they're busy talking about their dumb nothing-feelings? Why was that funny Michaela Watkins fired from Saturday Night Live and now playing the amusingly caustic sidekick in this movie? What's The Dog Whisperer doing here?

Not Finished With My Questions: Why are Lopez and the guy having a conversation explaining to the audience all about the massive garden hose/mud-sploshing/tickle battle that they just had and that we saw every moment of already? Why did they get Linda Lavin (from '70s sitcom Alice) to play Lopez's grandmother? Why am I looking at a close-up of dog vomit? Why is The Guy's cheese barn lit with romance-candles? Why is he so upset and why is she apologizing so much for her pregnancy and why do movies like this make its male characters act like the lamest kind of simpering woman, the kind of woman I don't know in real life? Do all live births in movies involve ladies going out of their minds? Why do all modern romantic comedies have to be so insultingly vanilla and dull? Why don't audiences just stop buying tickets to them? Can I just watch 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days again instead?

Best Parts That Don't Really Make It Worth Seeing: Lopez's dog-on-wheels is the best thing here and the movie knows it. I'd rather have seen a film about him. Also, the scene where Lopez eats beef stew with her hands, using pieces of bread to scoop it up and wipe her face, made me think, "I'd totally do that if there were no clean spoons." Oh yeah, and the line where she yells, "IT WAS A VIAL OF SEMEN!" made me laugh.

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