No, it's cool. I was just sitting around thinking about just what kind of movie I was really craving during my unwed pregnancy and suddenly this chocolate-in-your-peanut-butter mash-up arrived fully formed and bursting from the head of Zeus. It's another take on What to Expect When You're Expecting, with Olivia Munn and Paul Schneider trying to spawn, and it's from some of the Broken Lizard crew, aka the guys behind Super Troopers.
I KNOW! AMAZING!
Then I watched it.
See, I want everything to be Super Troopers, one of the greatest films of the past decade. And it hurts me when something isn't Super Troopers, one of the greatest films of the past decade. And it double-hurts when people who helped make Super Troopers -- which, just to remind you in case you forgot, is one of the greatest films of the past decade -- give me just enough Super Troopers to keep me watching their otherwise agonizingly unfunny, painful, sperm-robbery comedy.
It's got a lot of jokes about penises and vaginas and semen. Those are always good. And those jokes about penises, vaginas and semen are so filthy that I can't repeat them here and keep my family-friendly status. But when that stuff is on screen, when the film remembers that it's responsible for maintaining the extremely important comedy legacy of Super Troopers, one of the greatest films of the past decade, and that nobody who actually is pregnant or would ever want to be pregnant will be voluntarily witnessing it, when it forgets to be whatever it's supposed to be about on paper, when it's gross and pointless and shambling and possibly high on prescription cookies, then it's kind of funny. In those moments its plot could be about anything: a Vegas casino heist or a virginity loss competition between Tatum O'Neal and Kristy McNichol. It could be 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega-Mountain. But suburban-minded fertility comedies are trending so you're stuck with Olivia Munn and Paul Schneider pretending that this is something that isn't beneath them, that all things are equal and work is work.
And in a way that's true. Work is work. It's just not supposed to be this much work for us.