Who's in It:
Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Elle Fanning, Gael García Bernal, Rinko Kikuchi, Koji Yakusho, Clifton Collins Jr., Michael Pena
The Basics: Last week I decided to try one of those McGriddles for breakfast, and it was so gross that I just tossed it out the window of my car. Then this jogging lady slipped on it and fell, breaking her ankle. She was in the middle of the road and another car ran over her. Sadly, she died in the arms of her husband, who happened to be jogging with her. He drank himself into a stupor at her funeral. Then Star Jones showed up. The next day there was an earthquake because of, um, something else that guy did after he sobered up. But seriously, no joke the ankle, the car accident, the death and the earthquake? All because of that McGriddle. (This will all make sense soon enough.)
What's the Deal? Now I can tell you the actual plot. Here goes: A depressed widower in Tokyo has a horny, deaf teen daughter. Then, in Morocco, a Moroccan guy buys a gun and his dumb kids play with it and accidentally shoot Cate Blanchett in the neck. Brad Pitt is her husband, and he makes a lot of phone calls. One of the calls is to their Mexican nanny, whose job it is to watch Dakota Fanning's little sister. Then the nanny has to take Dakota Fanning's little sister and some other kid actor over the border into Mexico for a wedding. Then they get lost in the desert. Meanwhile, the horny, deaf girl goes clubbing with no panties on. Then you find out how she's connected to the other people.
What's Up With All This Crash B.S.? Well, in this film's defense, it's from Alejandro González Iñárritu, the guy who made Amores Perros, and the makers of Crash swiped from that movie a lot. The other thing is that it's way better than that stupid Crash it's got a smarter script, it has better performances, it's beautiful to look at, it has fewer characters as plot devices and overall it's just got more brains per minute. Except for when the twisty plot becomes implausibly coincidental just so it can compound tragedy upon tragedy. This director loves pain a lot.
DVD Request: I would like this DVD to be like the Final Destination 2 disc, where you get to rearrange the plot and choose who lives and who dies. I'd just watch the Tokyo parts again and string them together to make their own really good short film.