Dave White
Apollo 18 Review

Dave's Rating:

1.0

In space they can hear you yawn.

Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov held a screenplay competition and this movie's script was the winning submission. I don't know when this competition was held. I suppose I could go look up the specifics if I felt it really mattered. But based on the way the finished product got held back from release for a pretty long time and then not shown to critics, I'm going to guess that the contest began and ended in a bar immediately following an early screening of The Blair Witch Project and the final result was written entirely on the back of a ticket stub and it read: "That. But on the moon. With some rocks."

The rocks are discovered by English actor Lloyd Owen and Irish actor Warren Christie, playing American astronauts sent on a secret moon mission by the Department of Defense -- both of them are uncredited here and, as recognizable faces, are more known by British TV viewers, all the better to pretend that this movie-as-Ambien really is retrieved, banned, classified NASA footage from 1974 and that their names aren't important.

To continue explaining why you should ignore this zero-intensity space bore will require giving away what happens after the astronauts arrive at Destination Moon. That means I'll be telling you the scary secret. If you don't want to know what the scary secret is then stop reading now.

Anyway, those rocks they find. They're bad rocks. They do bad things. If you were on the moon with them you'd want to avoid contact. Except you couldn't. Because the whole place is made of them. Of course, why earlier Apollo missions weren't also destroyed by the bad space rocks is a mystery. Were they asleep? Were they just waiting for these two specific astronauts that they really hate? It's never explained, but the mean rocks come alive and crawl around and leave tracks and invade the astronauts' helmets and bodies and necessitate some gnarly space surgery and drive them insane and kill them.

And then, after these guys have given every ounce of themselves to the task of convincing you that you should be terrified of moon rocks and then fail to convince you to be terrified of moon rocks, the film delivers an even more baffling and less surprising surprise that will allow for a not-coming-soon sequel. If and when that happens it'll probably go straight to DVD like this movie should have and we'll never have to think about any of it again.

On a final note, can this be the last film created from a contest? Because there's already a screenplay competition going on every day of the year and it's called Living in Los Angeles and Hanging Out at Starbucks with a Laptop. And look how that usually turns out.

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