Dave White
Apocalypto Review

Dave's Rating:


… a totally entertaining and pointless blast of the grossest, nuttiest stuff …

Who's in It: Rudy Youngblood, Dalia Hernandez, Jonathan Brewer, Morris Birdyellowhead, Carlos Emilio Baez

The Basics: A young Mayan hunter (Youngblood) is on the run from some bad, bad guys who want to chop off his head and play kickball with it at the top of their sacrificial temple steps. So they chase him for a very long time. That's about it. Lots of chasing and ultra-violence. I'd heard from someone that it was all supposed to be a metaphor for the war in Iraq, but no. It's just a lot of chasing.

What's the Deal? Is it not enough that Mel Gibson keeps us all entertained with his religious nutjobbery, his drunk driving, his leering mug shot, his anti-Semitic remarks, his arrest resisting and his whip-smart ability to think up — while completely drunk — crazy new misogynist endearments? Hasn't he entertained us all enough? The answer is no, he hasn't. He's only getting started. Because this movie is a totally entertaining and pointless blast of the grossest, nuttiest stuff I've seen in a big Hollywood movie all year — the Jackass of ancient Mayan stunts. Thank you, Mel Gibson. You won't be getting any Oscars, but you helped me to laugh at life again.

A Short List of That Gross Stuff: Impalement, disembowelment, humans being hacked to bits, putrid heaps of rotting corpses in mass graves that cinematically recall the poppy fields Judy Garland had to tiptoe through in The Wizard of Oz, the eating of boar scrotum, internal-organ juggling, kickball with heads (as mentioned earlier), underwater childbirth — and so much more. Between this, The Passion of the Christ and Braveheart, it's as if Gibson is the Santa Claus of gore.

The Fake Panther Master of Hollywood Was Too Busy to Help Out: So there's this part where a panther chases our hero. And then the panther has to die in a big gross way. And at first, you see a real panther. That's scary. But when it comes time for it to get up close and personal with actual people, they substitute the real panther with this panther puppet. And it turns out to be Toonces the Driving Cat. So don't be up and going to the bathroom during that bit, because it's that good.

Best Costume Oscar Now, Please: The main bad guy wears an outfit that is made from human jaws. Like a whole sleeve of them going down his arm. I WANT ONE!


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