Grae's Rating:

1.0

Treat it like a real reunion and avoid it

Do you remember that kid in 1999 who was immortalized on YouTube "riding the pony" just before he prematurely ejaculated twice, who later had sex with an apple pie? Of course you do. That was back in 1999, when the American Pie series was shiny and new and entertaining, and you had an infinite amount of patience. Now, the series a tired, boozed out whore who just keeps drunkenly slurring that you loved her once.

In an attempt to resurrect the series from the Straight-to-DVD Hell it's been languishing in, the Hungry Hungry Hippos of Hollywood dragged back the original stars and gave them dazzling dialogue that more often than not finds a way to shoehorn in a reference to The Pie Thing or The YouTube Thing and not much else. But now that they're 30-ish, they're proving that when you're old enough to be someone's father, all your BS is much less cute.

Sequels are fine if there is anything new to say or see, featuring characters that you like to watch. But this lazy script (written by the Harold and Kumar guys, who do well with two stoners and a high concept but terrible with real life) keeps showing people who peaked in high school that keep chasing the dragon of coolness and youth. Their lack of awareness about this makes it completely pathetic and rarely funny.

Everyone is pretty much the same. Stifler (Seann William Scott) is still a tool, Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) wears man scarves and motorbikes around the world, Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) have a two year old, Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) watches a lot of Desperate Housewives, and Oz (Chris Klein) is a douchey sports reporter with a fake tan. But at their ten year reunion (13 years later, for some reason), they realize that life hasn't gotten any better and that they want to relive the days where their movie had the juice to make $150 million. No dice. They're all too lame and shallow. But they still try to hook up with each other and rekindle romances all while drinking more alcohol than they should.

Eugene Levy, however, has earned the new nickname of Atlas for carrying this entire picture on his back. As Jim's dad, he gets more screen time than ever and uses his abundant talent to rescue every scene, providing genuine laughs over aging, sex, and old guy wardrobe. Plus he gets high and makes an eyebrow joke. That's the specific reason this movie got one star from me, and why I will be rinsing the sour taste of this movie out my mouth with Soap on Netflix Instant.

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