Who's In It: The voices of Justin Long, Hayden Panettiere, Dennis Hopper, Danny Glover, Larry Miller, Vicki Lewis, Christina Ricci, Chris Carmack
The Basics: These two adolescent wolves want to have sex. But they can't because she's an alpha wolf--they kill the caribou and feed the pack--and he's an omega wolf. Omega wolves are, apparently, responsible for slapstick comedy that keeps the pack from noticing that they're starving from a lack of caribou. Anyway, alphas and omegas must abstain from having sex together because it's the Law of the Wolves or something. As a rule it seems a lot less compelling than "ape shall never kill ape," and therefore not worth paying any mind. Go for it, teen wolves.
What's The Deal: This enervating piece of sub-level digital cartooning wouldn't annoy me so much if it had only committed itself to being much worse. But it doesn't even have the courage to be insane-bad, just regular old boring-bad, the kind of terrible that can only come from wanna-be animation studios with mission statements about "producing quality family product." But they can't achieve that because they don't have the budget for it and they aren't Pixar or Miyazaki that the people who made The Triplets of Belleville. So they give you generic talking/singing animals instead, voiced by actors who just want to work for a week in sweatpants and no makeup and get paid their minimum salary quote. There's a hero's journey and a love story and comic-relief geese who speak with zee frahnch accents and nothing weird or cool or memorable. Nothing.
Wait. Sorry. I Take That Back. There Is One Weird Cool Thing: Because this is a movie about teenage wolves who want to do "it," and because this is also a kids movie about talking animals, they substitute the word "howl" for the act of mating. So the girl wolves and boy wolves pair up and sing-howl together in this kind of bland harmonic duet that sounds like what it must be like when Tim McGraw and Faith Hill get a babysitter and have a sexy date night. Then the wolves say stuff like, "Was it good for you?" Not kidding either. One of the wolves really says that.
Best Line Of Dialogue: There's this one mama wolf who has rage issues. So she's usually the one talking about how she's going to tear someone's snout off. Her character provides about four chances to chuckle throughout the movie. Here's her best bit: "I will rip out your eyes and shove them down your throat so you can see me rip your carcass open." Step right up for a $16 3-D movie ticket, parents!
Regarding The 3-D: It's not nearly as fascinating as the kind you saw utilized in Clash of The Titans.