Who's in It:
Alex Pettyfer, Sophie Okonedo, Ewan McGregor, Damian Lewis, Stephen Fry, Robbie Coltrane, Missi Pyle, Mickey Rourke, Andy Serkis, Alicia Silverstone
The Basics: British teen superspy Alex Rider is just this regular kid who happens to have James BondmeetsJackie Chan skills when it comes to getting out of scrapes. That's good because he's about to get enlisted by M16 to fight supervillain Mickey Rourke. Kim Basinger could have used a little more karate-chopping abilities herself with that guy.
What's the Deal? Harry Potter has a lot to answer for here. Too bad this teensploitation flick is so boring and lifeless. Next up is going to be Superbabies 3, you just know.
Pedigree: It's based on a series of best-selling young-adult novels by author Anthony Horowitz.
You Know What Blofeld Never Needed? Face Work and Spray-On Tan, That's What: Rourke is the most entertaining presence in the movie (and that's including the always welcome and weird Missi Pyle she was Violet Beauregard's mom in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and she's rad) because his face is SO FRIGGIN' WEIRD NOW. He's both stretchier than Farrah Fawcett and more orange than Michael Kors. You'll look at nothing else but him when he's on-screen.
Welcome to My New "Truth in Opening Credits Sequence" Rule:
Here's how they should read in this movie:
"Starring Newcomer Teenage Block of Cream Cheese"
"Featuring the Bored Expressions and Wasted Talents of Damian Lewis, Stephen Fry, Robbie Coltrane and Sophie Okonedo"
"With Alicia Silverstone as the Clueless Nanny Whose Scenes Were Mostly Cut From the Film"
"And Ewan McGregor, But Don't Get Your Hopes Up, Because He Dies in the First Five Minutes"