Trust me, I’m not a negative guy. I like a lot of things, and love a lot of movies, but if no one pointed out the faults in our entertainment system, then how could people running things ever learn from their mistakes? No need to thank me or send me any holiday gifts, for this is my job – my mission, my destiny – and I will stand tall while fighting Hollywood idiocy till my fingers can no longer type. This column is “Hollywood FAIL,” after all.
That being said, we’ve come to the end of a very long year (and an even longer decade), which means it’s time for one last rant before 2010 arrives with $2.50 in its pocket and a severe head cold. So this week and next week I’ll be going over the worst 2009 had to offer while hopefully wiping the slate clean so that we can dance our way into 2010 with a clear conscience.
Worst Celebrity Feud of 2009 – Megan Fox and Michael Bay
It started shortly after Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
hit theaters, probably around the time Megan Fox compared director Michael Bay to Hitler. What ensued was the most immature war of words between an actress and a director – complete with the director actually allowing Transformers
“crew members” to publicly bash Fox in a foul-mouthed letter that he posted on his own website (before taking it down after a couple days). Supposedly they’ve since kissed and made up, but after Transformers 3
you can bet they won’t work together again anytime soon.
Worst Female Performance of 2009 – Sandra Bullock in All About Steve
Sandra Bullock may indeed be the Cinderella Oscar story of 2009 with her much-talked-about performance in The Blind Side
earning rave reviews and award nominations, but her turn as a weird, freaky, stalker-ish crossword puzzle geek who gloms onto a CNN cameraman in the “comedy” All About Steve
was easily the stupidest role (and film) of 2009.
Worst Sequel of 2009 – Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Worst Celebrity Facial Hair of 2009 – Brad Pitt
Granted, none of the big sequels in 2009 were really any good. X-Men Origins: Wolverine stunk up the joint, as did that pathetic Terminator Salvation. But it was ultimately Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – with its ridiculous, over-the-top, nonsensical plot, racist stereotypical robots and absurd, porn-like action sequences that just made this pile of stupid too hard to sit through.
For reasons that still aren’t clear to me, 2009 became the year that Brad Pitt decided to grow the ugliest chin-beard known to man. That thing became so raunchy he even decided to braid it and hang little beads in there. It was kinda reminiscent of a 100-year-old miniature Christmas tree that had rotted away decades ago. Dude needs a shave, like, yesterday.
Worst On-Screen Duo of 2009 – Paul Rust and Hayden Panettiere in I Love You, Beth Cooper
There was lots of on-screen duos to be found in 2009, but perhaps none of them were as mismatched and poorly written as Paul Rust and Hayden Panettiere in I Love You, Beth Cooper
. It’s unfortunate, too, because the book this film was based on is an absolute blast. What happened between the book and the film is beyond me, but let’s just say none of that quirky humor managed to translate on screen, and these two were in a freefall from minute one.
Stay tuned next week when I dish out awards for Worst Male Performance, Worst Celebrity, Worst Movie and more!