Why Do Most Holiday Movies Stink?

Why Do Most Holiday Movies Stink?

Dec 11, 2009

If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed for every holiday season, it’s that Hollywood will shovel out at least one really horrible holiday-themed movie featuring a Hollywood funnyman (or woman) in a Santa suit and silly dysfunctional family antics that’ll leave you with the following thoughts: 1. Who in their right mind greenlit that stupid movie, and 2. Thanks, Hollywood, for putting some suck into the holiday season.

Of course not all holiday films are worthless pieces of stale eggnog, but in order to find the best stuff that’ll have your stomach aching from laughter instead of a giant-size popcorn, we have to dip back 20 to 30 years and grab movies like A Christmas Story or It’s a Wonderful Life or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. These are fun, original, timeless classics that should be watched every year as part of a family tradition. But when it comes to everything else … well, let’s just say the creators of these films deserve a lifetime supply of coal in their stocking.

So, Yeah, The Five Worst Christmas Movies Are …

   

Surviving Christmas
Plot: A moronic and obnoxious millionaire offers the family who lives in his old house a financial reward if they’ll let him spend Christmas with them.
Who Stars: Ben Affleck, Christina Applegate, James Gandolfini, Josh Zuckerman and Catherine O’Hara
Thoughts: Forget about surviving Christmas, if you can survive long enough to reach the end of this film without either destroying your television in a fit of rage or slamming your head against the wall repeatedly, then you’re a lot tougher (mentally) than I am. Not only did this cast have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, but just the sight of a burly, bearded, serial killer-esque Gandolfini wearing a Santa hat was enough to frighten even my unborn children.

The Santa Clause 2 and 3
Plot: Dude takes over for Santa and then, in the subsequent sequels, continues to try to suck the life out of what was originally a decent concept.
Who Stars: Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold and Elizabeth Mitchell
Thoughts: We can live with the first Santa Clause, but these follow-up sequels – which starred a myriad of C-list has-beens – were so painfully awful that when it came time to light a fire in my house, the kids immediately wanted to throw these DVDs in first. Sorry Tim Allen, but you stopped appealing to mainstream audiences back in the mid-'90s.

Deck the Halls
Plot: Neighbors compete to see who can one-up the other when it comes to decorating their houses for Christmas.
Who Stars: Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick, Kristin Davis and Kristin Chenoweth.
Thoughts: Those people who go overboard on Christmas lights are insanely annoying in real life, so double that and imagine just how annoying they must be in this film. Yeah … you’ll wanna hit somebody. Hard.

Christmas with the Kranks
Plot: A family looking to vacation over the holidays is forced to throw together Christmas at the last minute when their daughter decides to come home.
Who Stars: Tim Allen, Dan Aykroyd, Jamie Lee Curtis and Cheech Marin.
Thoughts: Well right off the bat it’s another holiday movie that stars Tim Allen, so you know it’s beyond horrible. Trust me, spend one Christmas with the Kranks, and you’ll probably swear off the holiday for good.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Plot: Martians kidnap Santa because there’s no one on their planet who can give the Martian kids presents. Yup. That’s the plot.
Who Stars: You won’t know any of them.
Thoughts: If you’ve ever been upset about not being able to celebrate the holidays back in 1964, one look at this overly ridiculous cult flick will make you feel a whole lot better about it. Not only did Santa conquer the Martians with this film, but he also conquered all things having to do with good taste.

Poor Santa. The man has been dragged through more crap than a dude whose girlfriend is obsessed with Kristen Stewart movies. At the end of the day, though, we still love the fat, bearded man. That is until he decides to slim down, sign up for The Biggest Loser, strike a sweet tan and begin sleeping around with porn stars. But that'll never happen ... right Hollywood?

Categories: WTF, Hollywood!?
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