Well, it’s Thanksgiving week … and depending on how much you dislike your family, that’s either a good thing or a bad thing. I kid, of course, because Thanksgiving is a swell holiday, and one of my favorites, actually, for two reasons: 1. You don’t have to buy any presents, and 2. The only rule is to eat your face off. Yup … my kind of holiday.
But while folks across the country spend time coming up with creative ways to thank people (because that’s what you do on Thanksgiving, apparently), I’m here to do just the opposite … because I’m mean, jaded and perpetually pissed off … but I cook a mean apple pie in case you’re wondering.
Films We’re Not Thankful For
Naturally, most of the worst films of 2009 were comedies. Thanks to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, I have even less respect for real-life mall cops than I did prior to witnessing this atrocity unfold on screen.
Other comedies that forgot to bring along jokes that were actually funny include Miss March, All About Steve, I Hate Valentine’s Day, Fired Up and The Pink Panther 2.
And while I’m bound to incite an angry mob of tween angst, it’s hard to be thankful for The Twilight Saga: New Moon
. What has this film brought us other than a swarm of meaningless news coverage (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Hold Hands, Like, for Realz!) and enough awkward novelty products (Robert Pattinson edible underwear and Blood: The Energy Drink?) to keep your weird kinky neighbor busy for years.
Other films we won’t be inviting back for a second helping of mashed potatoes include The Informers, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator: Salvation, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Dance Flick and I Love You, Beth Cooper.
People We’re Not Thankful For
Okay, let’s get this out of the way up front: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are overrated. I’m thankful they’re not starring in every film, but I’m not thankful for the thousands of paparazzi photos that have been shoveled into my brain throughout 2009.
But enough about Twilight
… what about Christian Bale? His Terminator: Salvation
on-set tirade was hilarious, if not troubling and a tad psychotic, but then we get to actually watch his “intense” performance and it’s … blah. Heck, the killer robots were far more enticing than Bale’s tiresome growl. Methinks it’s time for Bale to leave his infamous snarl in the Bat-cave where it belongs.
Other people we’re not inviting over for Christmas Dinner include Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus, Joaquin Phoenix, Megan Fox and Adam Sandler.
Trends We’re Not Thankful For
Unlike films and celebrity personalities, new Hollywood trends don’t exactly come in and out of your life as fast as, say, a photo of Lindsay Lohan stumbling outside a nightclub. Nope, some unappealing fads tend to stick around for awhile, like, for example, the ubiquitous vampire. Too bad if you’re sick and tired of them, because after Hollywood shovels out 360 more films and TV shows that involve vampires, you’re probably going to want to suck the own blood out of your own body in the hopes the unoriginal pain will finally come to an end.
Other trends that refuse to leave us alone include the Based on a Video Game trend, the Based on a Board Game trend, the Shot for No Money in Our Bedroom trend and the 3D Will Change Your Life trend … because the only thing that’s changed is the ability to crush those annoying glasses within the span of three seconds (it now takes about 30 seconds).
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!