We the loyal horror fans love to throw up our hands and complain (almost exclusively on twitter) whenever a new Hollywood remake rears its head. (But when a half-decent one like Fright Night shows up, nobody seems to care. Weird.) And it's true that recent years have been inundated by a non-stop deluge of horror remakes, sequels, remakes, prequels, remakes, and reboots. But mostly remakes.
For a moment let us instead look ahead to the next few months on the video store shelves. We're looking at some titles that could make the worst of the Hollywood remakes (koffTHEFOGkoff) seem like masterworks from James Whale and David Cronenberg. Well, not really. I was just exagerrating to make a point. Anyway, check out these inevitable winners:
Children of the Corn: Genesis
If you include video and TV flicks -- and you'd have to -- this will be the tenth (!) film in the series. And I use the word "series" lightly. Lazy producers have been pecking on this corny corpse since 1984, and there seems to be no end in sight. The writer/director on Part 10 is Joel Soisson, who has more sequels in his credits than the actors who played Blondie and Dagwood. This one hits the bins next Tuesday, should you be as morbidly curious as I (obviously) am.
When Clive Barker takes to his own twitter feed to rabidly deny any involvement with a film -- you should listen. Internet buzz indicates that the Dimension boys (Harvey and Bob) cranked this sequel out in a hurry just so they could retain the rights to the property. Yes, they still have vague plans of remaking the original Hellraiser, although we'd kinda hoped that project was dead in the water by now. This will be the ninth chapter in this long-since-worthless franchise, and it comes from the writer of Megalodon and the director of the surprisingly bad Return to House on Haunted Hill. Oh, and for the first time ever ... Doug Bradley is not playing Pinhead. I wish Clive Barker could sue for defamation of a once-badass concept. This one hits on October 18. And what a stupid cover.
The Howling Reborn
Did you know there were seven sequels to The Howling? Did you know there was a film called The Howling? There was. It came out in 1981, as did Wolfen and An American Werewolf in London. Anyway, the last "chapter" hit video in 1995, but now we have a new Anchor Bay video release to kick around. It comes from first-time writer/director Joe Nimziki and it stars Lindsey Shaw and Ivana Milecivic, which is good news because they're both pretty. I know nothing about the plot, and let's be frank: it's probably better that way. This one also hits on 10/18, so feel free to settle in with a Hellraiser: Revelations / The Howling Reborn double feature, you rabid horror geek, you.
Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings
The first Wrong Turn was a nice splash of dark studio horror. The first sequel was made for video, but it was actually pretty damn fun. The second sequel was ... seriously not good. But Fox went ahead and gave Declan O'Brien a second shot, and the result is known as Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings. (Spoiler: it's a prequel.) One would have hoped for an all-new director, what with Mr. O'Brien busy doing stuff like Cyclops and Sharktopus* for Roger Corman, but nope: he's back for some more Wrong Turn, and this time he's written the screenplay too. Man, I can't wait to see how those cannibalistic hillbilly mutants ... got ... that way... Meh, sounds boring. (*Note: Cyclops and Sharktopus are two separate films. If "Cyclops and Sharktopus" ever does become an actual movie, somebody owes me a check.)