Valentine’s Day might be the most loathed holiday ever. I mean, if you happen to be knocking boots with someone on a steady basis, then the holiday with its flowers and chocolate is fine enough. If you’re single, you’re probably seeing red for all the wrong reasons. Fear not, movie lovers—no matter what kind of VD you’re going to get, Blu-ray Bob has the cure.
You’re Head Over Heels in Love: Look at you. When you think of that other guy or girl, you still get chills. Mountains move with your nocturnal collisions. The other person is “The One.” Yes, you’ve got it bad. You need to get a hold of Cameron Crowe’s Say Anything starring John Cusack and Ione Skye on DVD or Blu-ray ASAP. Why? It’s probably the most sincere and authentic romantic films ever made. Plus Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” still does it for most people. Another powerful love story available on both DVD and Blu-ray is Wim Wender’s beautiful 1987 classic Wings of Desire about an angel who will do anything to become human and love one woman. Yes, it was remade as City of Angels with Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan, but let’s pretend that never happened.
You Curse This Holiday With Your Last Breath: You’re alone. Not only that, but you’re pissed off about having to watch the world around you turn to mush. Run out now and pick up the ‘80s slasher flick My Bloody Valentine or last year’s excellent remake, My Bloody Valentine 3D. Both are on DVD and Blu-ray, and both feature a psycho miner in gas mask cutting out the hearts of young lovers. You want more? A cupid-masked killer is sending morbid Valentine’s Day cards to a group of young women, including Denise Richards, in 2001’s Valentine before he offs them. If it’s not available at your local Blockbuster, that means Charlie Sheen beat you to it.
You’re a Dark Romantic: OK, so you love your partner, but you’re not in any way traditional. You’ve got an edge. Don’t worry…Blu-ray Bob has you covered. Gary Oldman “crossed oceans of time” to find his true love in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, so you can cross town to get it on DVD or Blu-ray. David Lynch’s Wild at Heart, starring Nicolas Cage and Laura Dern, is for everyone who’d go to the edge and back for their love. It’ll get you “hotter than Georgia asphalt.” Top it off with Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers featuring Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis as a thrill-killing psychopathic couple who will, literally, do anything for love.
You Want to Break Up: You picked Valentine’s Day to break up with someone. Is there ice water in your veins? If you want to go there, Blu-ray Bob will take you. It’s easy—get a hold of Roman Polanski’s Bitter Moon starring Hugh Grant and Kristin Scott Thomas as a British couple trying to reignite their marriage on a cruise ship who attract the attention of a psycho couple—Peter Coyote and Emmanuelle Seigner. The latter two have gone to such extremes in their relationship that they must prey on other lovers to warn them of the perils of going too deep. You’ll put this DVD on and, after the tragic ending, your significant other will turn to you and ask, “Are you breaking up with me?” True story.