A Top 10 Critic’s Top 10 of 2010

A Top 10 Critic’s Top 10 of 2010

Dec 28, 2010

Ah, the end of 2010. Another year of movies gone by, another year where countless critics argue and complain and debate about what were the best and worst movies of the year, if only because they love hitting refresh every 10 seconds to join in some sort of pointless argument about why their list is the best or why Joe Schmoe critic clearly picked random movie names out of a hat. At least 2010’s highlights (Inception, Scott Pilgrim, Toy Story 3, The Social Network) helped make up for gutter trash like Little Fockers, Grown Ups, Alpha and Omega, Cop Out, and anything that happened to star Jack Black.

Yes, dear readers, the Top Ten Movies list is old. It's stale. It's boring. So instead of ranking the Top Ten Movies of 2010, I’m ranking the actual critics and their top three choices instead. Some are famous and well known to the public eye, others are more known for being online favorites. And if you're on this list, don't get angry. After all, isn't criticizing others what you do for a living?

El Guapo proudly presents:

The Top 10 Critic's Top 10 of 2010

10. A.O. Scott – The New York Times
Top Three Picks:

• Somewhere
• Secret Sunshine
• The Fighter

Not only does he look like the guy who spills your drink at the bar and blames it on you, but he also has the weirdest taste in what's the best of 2010. Somewhere by Sofia Coppola? What, does he owe her $20? And I've never even heard of Secret Sunshine. Clearly A.O. has decided the “dart board” method of choosing his top films is the way to go for this year's picks.

9. Kristopher Tapley – Incontention.com
Top Three Picks:

• Exit Through the Gift Shop
• Another Year
• A Prophet

I don't even know what his website title means. It's likes Kristopher is telling a joke I don't get or he's that guy at the party who bores everyone with stupid trivia from The Empire Strikes Back. I'm thinking it's both. I know this dude and I still don't understand what his deal is. Exit Through the Gift Shop? Did he actually watch it or did he just pick it to seem like he's smarter than everyone else? Doesn't matter, I can't trust anyone that likes movies about French guys in prison.

8. Kenneth Turan – The Los Angeles Times
Top Three Picks:

• Inception/Social Network/Toy Story 3
• Animal Kingdom
• Inside Job/Tillman Story

Holy baloney, grandpa, pick a movie already. He's the only critic on the list who can't figure out how to list 10 movies in a top 10 list. Kenneth decides that “ties” are acceptable and has three #1 picks because he can't make up his mind. He's doing it because, and I quote: “I still believe in Hollywood movies.” What kind of logic is that? I still believe in ending world hunger but the solution isn't killing off half the planet. I would hate eating dinner with Ken because he probably gets confused and orders 16 items on the menu.

7. Leonard Maltin – Reelz Channel
Top Three Picks:

• The Social Network
• The Town
• Toy Story 3

I have yet to meet Leonard Maltin but he seems like the sweetest guy in the world. Which also makes him a sucker, because putting Ben Affleck anywhere near a top 10 of anything means you're missing a few scenes in that movie you call a brain. Despite Leonard's “safe” picks, I'd still share a few beers and swap war stories with him anytime. (On his dime of course.)

6. El Guapo – Various
Top Three Picks:

• Cool as Ice
• Yogi Bear
• Grown Ups

Who is this jackass? I couldn't even find a link to this idiot's top 10. I had to ask him on Twitter and this is what he came back with. Honestly, I don't think anyone who has a picture of himself flashing money should be anywhere near a top 10 list, the internet, movies, or oxygen. Hey dummy, Cool as Ice came out in 1991. Get with the times, you Disney-loving weirdo.

5. Stephen King – Entertainment Weekly
Top Three Picks:

• Let Me In
• The Town
• Inception

Stephen King? The horror writer? He's been giving his top 10 list for a while now and each time it's a head-scratcher that includes movies no sane man would ever include. The guy put Takers and Green Zone on there. Then again, this is Stephen King we're talking about and I'm betting he only saw 10 movies in 2010. Shocking he would pick Let Me In as his #1. Not only is it a horror flick but it's a remake. Know what else is recycled material, Stephen? Every one of your novels since 1996.

4. James Rocchi – MSN.com
Top Three Picks:

• Black Swan
• Dogtooth
• The Social Network

Black Swan? Dogtooth? Boy, I bet the ladies love his pillow talk.

“Miss, I thank you for the good time, but would you please abscond from the premises?”

“What?”

“Get the hell out.”

Don't let the strong jaw, sharp suit and bedroom eyes fool you – James “Gentleman” Rocchi will beat you to death with a vocabulary that makes Harvard professors quit their jobs. He once made the Scrabble dictionary cry and will have you praying for a quick death as he (politely) slices your throat with more film knowledge than one man should be allowed to have. James doesn't play Trivial Pursuit, Trivial Pursuit plays James. And loses. I'm sure he'll have something to say about this article of mine but I don't care. I'm too stupid to understand what he's saying anyway.

3. Roger Ebert – Chicago Sun-Times
Top Three Picks:

• The Social Network
• The King's Speech
• Black Swan

Roger Ebert is still relevant? I kind of thought he lost it years ago and just loves and hates movies based off what a Magic 8-Ball tells him. Still, you can't deny he's the big veteran and can easily back up why he likes and dislikes a film. Thumbs down for the convenient and safe choice of The Social Network as your number #1 though, Rog.

2. Drew McWeeny – Hitfix.com
Top Three Picks:

• Black Swan
• Blue Valentine
• Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Known as the leader of critics referred to as “The Bearded Ones” in the online film community, McWeeny has been writing reviews from his computer for so many years some think he legally married his desktop. He's like the Gandalf of online film critics. He's old, cranky and he rides around on a white horse waving his mouse while yelling at midgets. The number of films he's seen is so high he charges Netflix $9.99 a month. But there's no accounting for taste. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World? What are you doing, Drew, trying to hold on to your childhood? Despite looking like a man who will eat your baby, he's actually a giant teddy bear once you give him a big hug and a Baby Ruth.

1. Peter Travers – Rolling Stone
Top Three Picks:

• Every movie in 2010

Peter Travers is our #1 critic of 2010, having liked every single movie that came out this year. Alice in Wonderland? Masterpiece. Cop Out? A riot. The Last Airbender? Amazing. Furry Vengeance? Family fun for all! That's right, Peter Travers is your go-to guy when your movie sucks and you need a top critic to give you a quote. Doesn't matter if he saw it or not, he liked it. He liked it so much he gave a quote while it was still in production. Peter Travers, you are #1 in my Top Ten Critic's Top Ten List of 2010. And you can quote me on that.

Follow El Guapo at Twitter!

Now go read our own critics Dave & Jen's Top 10s of 2010.

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