Spider-Man's Web of Fail

Spider-Man's Web of Fail

Jan 14, 2010

When word came down from Sony Pictures that they had decided to rip Spider-Man 4 from us as if they were yanking a Band-Aid off our hairy arms and replace it with news that Peter Parker will be heading back to high school in order to do this thang all over again, Internet fanboys fell out of their computer chairs and the rest of us gave the studio a “You sure you’re not all doped up on smack or anything?” stare. For those counting at home, that means a complete franchise reboot within seven years of the original (nine if you count the actual proposed 2012 release of the new Spider-Man). Too soon? Um, can we get a Hell Yeah? But now that we’re here, we may as well throw Sony a few ideas for their new (and hopefully improved) Spider-Man franchise.

The One Where I Give Sony Four Awesome Ideas for Their New Spider-Man Reboot

#1: Spider-Man the Musical Rob Marshall (Chicago, Nine) directs this inspiring creation from the folks who brought you High School Musical. Here, we meet a young Peter Parker in flip-flops (Zac Efron) who, along with his pastel belly-shirted gal pal Mary Jane (Vanessa Hudgens), swings from the rooftops of New York City while belting out tunes and showing those nasty bad guys exactly who rules the dance floor.

#2: The Indie Hipster Festival Favorite Wes Anderson directs this role-swapping version of Spider-Man titled Itsy Bitsy, off a script from Diablo Cody (Juno). Ellen Page plays the part of Patricia Parker, who is transformed into a swingin’ Spider-girl after she’s exposed to ridiculous amounts of radiation while piecing together a new batch of mix tapes. Michael Cera, Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray co-star … just because.

#3: The Post-Apocalyptic Hard-R Set 1,000 years in the future after the earth was destroyed by a meteor and then destroyed again by a nuclear bomb and then destroyed again by a group of punk kids up to no good, one teenager rises from amidst the rubble alongside his new best friend, a giant talking spider. Together they must travel far and fight everyone … even though it soon becomes clear that there’s nowhere to travel to and no one left to actually fight.

#4: The Depressing Awards Contender Set in Nazi-occupied France during World War II, Steven Spielberg brings us this gritty, no-holds-barred reinterpretation that follows Pietro Parker, a young shoe shiner who, at night, likes to dress up as a spider and write poetry for the love of his life, Mary, a Jewish teen who was shipped off to a concentration camp. When Pietro doesn’t hear back from Mary, he gets worried and sets out with a compass and an 8-legged costume to rescue her from the clutches of those evil Nazi supervillains. Oh, and Tom Hanks will play a good guy.

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