Signs of the Hollywood Apocalypse

Signs of the Hollywood Apocalypse

Oct 29, 2009

We’ve definitely reached that time of year where all we want to do is crawl underneath our covers and hide. The weather is growing colder, ghosts and goblins rule the multiplex and every other commercial seems to be for Sony’s 2012 – a film that’s all about the world coming to an end in two years. Fun!

But before Roland Emmerich shows us just how fast it takes for our entire world to come crashing down around us in spectacular, effects-heavy fashion, now's a good time to look to Hollywood for some real-life signs that the Mayan prophecy is indeed correct and whether we like it or not, the apocalypse is upon us.

Sign Number One: Katie Holmes to star opposite Tom Cruise in a remake of Cruise’s own 1988 film Cocktail?
The Story: The other day the New York Post reported that Tom Cruise’s 1988 bartender-on-the-beach flick Cocktail is heading to Broadway in musical form and that Cruise’s wife Katie Holmes may star. Should the musical take off, expect Hollywood to attempt a remake that could pair Holmes with her hubby (who would reprise the same role 20 years later?) on the big screen for the first time in what would surely go down as one of the oddest on-screen scenarios in recent history.
Chances of This Really Happening: 65% (That is, unless Eyes Wide Shut taught Cruise to never star opposite a spouse in a film ever again.)

Sign Number Two: Movie Made for $11,000 Grosses $100 Million at the Box Office
The Story: After leaving it on a shelf for two years, Paramount finally released the independent flick Paranormal Activity via a strategic word-of-mouth marketing plan that has so far earned the no-budget film over $60 million and a spot at the top of the box office above this year’s obligatory Saw installment.
Chances of This Really Happening: 95% (It’s at $63 million and counting …)

Sign Number Three: Twilight Inspires Kids to Drink Pretend Blood
The Story: The recent vampire craze has produced a number of ridiculous novelty items, none of which compare to the new energy drink that’s supposed to resemble (in look, taste and nutritional makeup) actual human blood. Adding insult to injury, it actually comes in one of those hospital IV bags. Um, nasty.
Chances of This Really Happening: 100% (It hits stores in January 2010)

Sign Number Four: Scientology Receives Massive Celebrity Backlash
The Story: The religion known for brainwashing celebrities like Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Will Smith recently lost one of its own: Crash writer-director Paul Haggis. The filmmaker, who was a member of the church for 35 years, decided to bail in part after learning the San Diego branch openly sponsored California’s anti-gay Proposition 8. After Haggis asked Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis to denounce the homophobes in San Diego, Davis skirted the issue, enraging Haggis and leading to a much-publicized letter from Haggis to Davis in which the Oscar winner lays the smackdown on Scientology and its beliefs.
Chances of This Really Happening: 30% (They’ll need a bigger name than Paul Haggis to ditch the religion before other celebs join the pile-on.)

Sign Number Five: Chris Farley Returns From the Dead to Co-Star Alongside David Spade in a DirecTV Commercial
The Story: If you’ve been watching playoff baseball, then you’ve probably seen the DirecTV commercial featuring David Spade and Chris Farley about a gazillion times. In it, they take Farley’s famous “fat guy in a little coat” bit from Tommy Boy, except when they cut to David Spade he’s pimping the DirecTV product while his dead “friend” fires off that classic line in the background.
Chances of This Really Happening: 0% (Even if Farley returned from the grave, there’s no way he’d have anything to do with David “I Like to Exploit Dead People” Spade.)

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