'Sharknado' Ain't Got Nothing on 'Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators'

'Sharknado' Ain't Got Nothing on 'Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators'

Sep 10, 2013

You may think the title gives it away, but there is absolutely no way you could know what you’re getting from Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators. And so I’m going to tell you exactly what you’re going to get. And you’re still not going to believe me. Trust me, though: none of the following is an exaggeration. To be crystal clear, I am about to spoil the glorious ending of the Syfy original motion picture Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators. However, you could read every word of this and will still want to see it with your own two eyes. And you should, too, because this is the rare Syfy movie that has good actors, a truly original script, and a genuinely great sense of deadpan humor.

Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators is a Hatfield & McCoys-esque story about two warring clans (the Doucettes and the Robichauds) living in the swamps of Louisiana who come face-to-toothless-face with a new breed of mutant alligator that starts showing up not long after one of the families begins dumping its bad batch of moonshine into the water. So, conceptually, we're already off to a brilliant start.

The first third or so of the movie is pretty standard creature-feature-of-the-week stuff. One redneck is killed, but the only witness was drunk on moonshine, so no one believes him. Young college girl Avery (played by Jordan Hinson, aka Zoe Carter on Syfy's Eureka) has just returned to town, and she's a bit more suspicious than all of her disgusting relatives (she's also a vegan now, so everyone but her father understandably thinks she's a freak). Avery and her boyfriend (Continuum's Victor Webster), who happens to be a member of her rival clan, grow increasingly concerned as more and more bodies pile up, but soon the mutant-gator situation is beyond everyone's wildest dreams. Everyone but the writers', that is.

What makes Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators so unbelievably juicy isn't its story of forbidden love and family loyalty set amongst gators mutated by a bad batch of moonshine, it's that it plays out every single plot point and character beat with the utmost sincerity. And this is crucial once things start to get truly ridiculous. You see, not only do these mutant gators -- whose necks are actually red and who can shoot spines from their tails with deadly precision -- eat people, but if you're unfortunate enough to survive an attack from one, you turn into a gator.

Yes, you read that correctly. Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators is about people who mutate into alligators after they've been bitten.

And it gets even better.

Zombie movies use this infectious idea all of the time, but they usually relegate it to a side character or two. In Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators, Avery Doucette's entire family is turned into gators. Even her boyfriend gets bitten and turned. This gives the leader of the Robichaud gang the perfect opportunity to settle the score with the Doucettes once and for all. And he's merciless about it, too, even though his son (Avery's boyfriend) is now one of them. They plan to lure all of the Doucette-gators into the local bar and blow it up, but those stubborn rednecks aren't going down without a fight.

And so Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators ends with full-on carmage. It's Armageddon as Doucette's eat Robichaud's and Robichaud's blast shotguns at Doucettes. And amidst it all you get lines like this, delivered with unflinching sincerity:

Wade Robichaud: "He ain't yo' daddy no more."
Avery Doucette: "You're wrong about that."

And then when Wade and Avery come across her father, Lucien, in his full gator form (they know it's him because he still has his gold tooth), Jordan Hinson nails this heart-crushing piece of dialogue as she tries to convince her loving gatordaddy to call off the killing:

"Daddy! They're going to kill the whole clan. It's over, you can't stop it. The Doucettes are over. Daddy, I told you I wanted to leave Vernon Parish, but I didn't want to leave you. Please come with me. I'll hide you!"

All said with tears streaming down her face. How she'll hide him at college, I'll never know, but I would have loved to find out. Sadly, I never will, because then everybody dies.

The sheriff is bitten in half while trying to throw a grenade into the bar full of gators. Wade has Lucien dead to rights and mournfully tells him "Sometimes I think if you hadn't been my worst enemy, you could have been my best friend." The two then kill one another by shooting at the same time; Wade with a bullet, Lucien with his spiked tail. Avery concocts a Molotov cocktail from moonshine and tosses it into the bar, killing her remaining family. The explosion's shockwave knocks her out, though, and the final shot ends with one last gator walking up to her, its jaws wide and ready for eating. Fade to black.

And then just when you think Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators couldn't get any better, it fades back in.

Avery is still alive. She's standing on a dock in the swamp, selling gator pelts. Next to her is a baby's crib. Her customer points to the water and offers her a huge sum for the pelt of the large, red-necked gator swimming in there. She says that one's not for sale, though. And this tragic tale of a century's old family blood feud finally ends with a shot of Avery in a rocking chair, holding her baby, while its mutant alligator father emerges from the water and nestles lovingly up to her side.

Sharknado ain't got s--t on Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators.

 

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