Welcome to our 2012 Golden Globe Awards liveblog! We're liveblogging this year's awards show all night long, courtesy of our Fiction vs. Reality columnist Joe Piccirillo. Join Joe in the discussion below, with his oldest comments at the bottom and his newest near the top.
Here's an updated list of this year's award winners in real time
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10:58PM: Well, the show is over. Now for the post-party which involves my drinking a bottle of whiskey and eating a sandwich in the bathroom. Thanks for following this blog and uncovering that my humor requires hours/years of careful planning, not off-the-cuff riffing. Except for the Morgan Freeman casket-bathing jokes. Those are genius.
See you next year. Or later tonight, when I show up in your basement. Good night.
10:54PM: Best Drama Motion Picture: The Descendants. The movie was OK but it could have benefitted from the addition of the horse from War Horse. Imagine that scene where Clooney runs down the street after learning of his wife's affiar. Now imagine him atop a horse. Now imagine that when he gets to the house of his best friend, he and the horse run into Morgan Freeman taking a bath in a casket.
10:43PM: Now we're down to it. Best Actor for a Drama Motion Picture: George Clooney. Surprised. Fassbender was brilliant in Shame. I thought Clooney didn't do much with his character. And my opinion is supremely important.
10:39PM: Best Picture, Comedy or Musical: If The Artist wins, I'm going to throw babies at the screen... The Artist wins and the orchestra plays that Tom & Jerry music. It's the kind of light-hearted music that should be played underneath wacky pratfalls or when I set off my vest filled with C4 explosives outside of the ceremony.
10:37PM: Meryl Streep curses a blue streak and msplaces her glasses. The audience is charmed. When my dad does the same thing, we lock him in the basement.
10:32PM: Best Actress for a Drama Motion Picture. I hope Glenn Close wins for finally being a dude on-screen just like she is off-screen. Oh, man. It goes to Meryl Streep. You may remember Meryl Streep from the science fiction movie with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin called It's Complicated in which the two men were trying to sleep with her. What a terrifying alternate universe.
10:25PM: Best Actor, Comedy of Musical Movie: that guy Jean Dujardin from The Artist. Oh man. I was hoping it went to the horse from War Horse.
10:23PM: Clip of War Horse. A movie that shows the horrors of war through the brave tale of... a horse. Must be tough to be an actor on that film and be second banana to a horse.
10:18PM: Sofia Vergara is talking. I start to wish the telecast were a silent film.
10:17PM: Best Comedy/Musical TV Show? Hoping it's NBC's Smash but it's Modern Family.
10:13PM: Best Director: Martin Scorcese. Another good call. He dominatea every genre. I hope he makes a mafia musical.
10:09PM: Warning: tomorrow on NBC is "Betty White Night." I hope it involves our watching Betty White watch footage of Morgan Freeman taking a bath in a casket.
10:04PM: Freeman, not even mentioning the casket bath incident, says that the Cecil B Demille award will be known as the Sidney Poitier award. I did the same thing with my restraining order -- I renamed it the Sidney Poitier award.
10:02PM: I say again: Morgan Freeman takes a bath in a casket. He had better mention this in his speech; I already added it to my outgoing voicemail.
9:59PM: Montage of Morgan Freeman movies. Yes. Shawshank, check; Unforgiven, check; Glory, check; Street Smart, check. And... Deep Impact. Highlight of my life: footage of Morgan Freeman taking a bath in a casket.
9:58PM: Helen Mirren is still hot. How is this possible? I wonder if she got my letters.
9:55PM: Sidney Poitier, brilliant actor and activist, is currently terrifying everyone and sending us into a trance.
9:54PM: Soon the Cecil B. Demille award will be presented to Morgan Freeman. I hope it's from the cast of NBC's Smash.
9:46PM: Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Motion Picture? Octavia Spencer for The Help. Secretly hoping Eddie Murphy will show up like Gervais predicted in the opening moments of the telecast.
9:44PM: Best Actor in a TV Series goes to... Matt LeBlanc. Good. That show is actually funny and LeBlanc gives a good speech. Nice work, buddy.
9:42PM: Emily Blunt says that Bridesmaids is "outrageously" funny and filled with the funniest women "ever." What about Big Momma's House?
9:38PM: Let's do a quick recap of the best moments that took place during the telecast so far between now and the next NBC Smash preview. The winner? At 8:30 PM when I injected whiskey directly into my veins.
9:34PM: Best Actress in a TV series, Drama is being announced by Dustin Hoffman. His comic timing is as sharp as Kirk Douglas'. Claire Danes wins it. She looks like the Joker. What happened? This will deeply alter my fantasies.
9:33PM: A Separation Iran wins for Best Foreign Film and movie most likely not to be seen by me.
9:30PM: Madonna gives an impassioned speech about her love of brilliant foreign filmmakers. Hard to take that seriously from a woman who wore cone-shaped bras for nearly a decade.
9:23PM: Best Supporting Actress, series: Jessica Lange. With dawning horror, I'm realizing that without scripts, actors have difficulty with public speaking.
9:21PM: Best Screenplay? Woody Allen. Not a surprise there, sadly. Not as funny as Another Woman.
9:16PM: Commercial: In the new movie The Vow, Channing Tatum forces himself on Rachel McAdams, his wife who suffers from amnesia and tries to run away from him. I'm pretty sure she just wanted to start seeing other people. I'm going to employ the same strategy with my creditors.
9:15PM: Best Animated Film: The Adventures of TinTin. No one seems to care. Not even that dude, Glenn Close.
9:08PM: Best Supporting Actor, TV Show: Peter Dinklage.
9:05PM: NBC is pushing their new show Smash. I was hoping it was an hour-long look into the Hits of Smash Mouth. Turns out, it accurately describes what my fists will do to the television after seeing more ads for Smash.
9:01PM: Best Actress for a Motion Picture Comedy/Musical: Michelle Williams. It's a nice thank-you speech met with applause and yet when I give thank-yous to coworkers in the men's room, almost no one applauds -- they call HR.
8:57PM: Best Actor for a Mini-Series, Idris Elba. Finally.
8:56PM: Breaking news. Harry Connick, Jr. from those hilarious Will & Grace appearances will romance the lady from Law and Order: SVU. Finally, a reason to live.
8:48PM: Best Original Song? ahem, Madonna. Chris Cornell was nominated for The Keeper, a far better tune in this blogger's opinion. "This is a surprise," she says. Even she knows it. Sadness.
8:44PM: Hey. it's time for Best Original Score. Why not use this time to go to the bathroom or get your finances in order. The music from The Artist by Ludovic Bource won. It sounds like music from Tom and Jerry. He is speaking some sort of Moon Man language. Update: I just learned that he's French.
8:40PM: Commercials. And opening beers.
8:38PM: Weird guy gives a solo standing ovation for either the win of Homeland for Best TV Series, Drama or because Melissa McCarthy looks like an amazing Shrek.
8:35PM: Best Actor, TV Series (Drama): Kelsey Grammar.
8:24pm: Kate Winslet won a golden globe for a show no one watched, also known as Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Movie for Mildred Pierce. "Mildred Pierce was the definition of a team effort." Perhaps she can be awarded a dictionary instead of a globe.
8:21pm: Even the teleprompter doesn't want to be here.
8:19pm: Commercials. Hoping through some mix-up in the universe that when the telecast returns, it's just reruns of old Night Court episodes. Bull is hilarious.
8:15pm: I'm pretty sure Frank Capra had nothing to do with Dern's win. At least I hope not.
8:13pm: Laura Dern is still alive... and she won the globe for Best Actress, TV Comedy or Musical for a show seen by almost no one.
8:11pm: Plummer is a great actor and Beginners is a great film but his speech? I dunno. He said his wife's beauty haunts him. That's not a compliment. That's a warning to us all.
8:10pm: Winner for Best Supporting Actor, Motion Picture: Christopher Plummer.
8:04pm: Gervais' targets so far: Helen Mirren, Adam Sandler, Jodie Foster's private parts, and my soul.
Thanks for joining me in what will later be referred to by authorities as my mass homicide note. If you missed the pre-show, Carson Daly and some lady discussed celebrity outfits and I strapped on a vest filled with C4 explosives.
So… here we go. I hope this is better than the live-blogging of my grandfather’s athlete’s foot diagnosis.