An Open Letter to Santa Claus/Hannukah Harry/Festivus Frank Regarding My Christmas/Hannukah/Festivus Hollywood Wish List

An Open Letter to Santa Claus/Hannukah Harry/Festivus Frank Regarding My Christmas/Hannukah/Festivus Hollywood Wish List

Dec 07, 2011

Dear non-denominational holiday gift-bringer,

Hello! It’s the time of year when all the good little boys and girls and non-gender specified people reach out to ask for gifts for the holiday season. As a Jew, I was never taught to believe in Santa Claus for tangible gifts, but when it comes to presents in the film world, I figure asking a guy who may or may not exist is just as good as anything else people do in the name of religion, right? May as well give it a shot.

There are some awesome-looking movies coming out in 2012. From comic book epics to new Tarantino and Anderson films to a zillion fairy tale re-workings. The enjoyment bar is set high, which means disappointment could be devastating. Like Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull levels of hype and then crash. No one, least of all me, wants to feel that again. (Harrison Ford, we’re still cool though.)

In this letter, Santa-figure of choice, I want to ask for 13 movie-related presents for the holidays this year. You can leave them all under my projector on Christmas Eve. Once again, I’m a Jew so I’ll be out at the movies that night anyway.

1. In 2012, and from now on, there should be no more romantic comedies where a woman has to choose between a successful career and a happy love life. She can have both. Getting pregnant also doesn’t mean the end of her life as anything but a mom. Moms do plenty of stuff, work hard, are even bread-winners and they’re still great moms. This character trope needs to go.

2. I’d like for The Avengers movie not to suck, please.

3. I’d like for the rumors to be true that Marion Cotillard’s character, Miranda Tate, in The Dark Knight Rises actually turns out to be a code name for Talia al Ghul. Firstly, because I love Marion and I think she’d be great in the role and secondly, because I prefer when the movies use characters from the comics instead of inventing Gothamites. Just my preference.

4. I wish for all the film canisters containing the footage of The Lorax to catch fire resulting in the movie never being shown and a whole new Lorax film being shot, that actually sticks to Dr. Seuss’ story. I know an environmental tragedy with a downer ending isn’t kid’s movie material, but that’s why The Lorax isn’t really supposed to be uplifting stuff. Don’t ruin The Lorax, Hollywood. His sad story of “speaking for the trees” has never been more relevant.

5. Speaking of which, I want The Hunger Games movie to focus on drama, poverty, tragedy, plot and governmental control issues rather than romance. This ain’t Twilight. There are more important problems for Katniss -- like life and death problems -- than which doofus boy she’s going to choose.

6. For Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone to get married, and for Jesse Eisenberg to perform the Spiderman-themed ceremony. This is really for no one but myself. I’d also like to be invited to the wedding. We all have dreams, guys.

7. For movies about vampires and zombies to just stop. It’s just overdone. Let’s nip it in the bud and get some new villains. How about mummies? Are they scary anymore? With World War Z coming out, this probably won’t happen anytime soon, since I think the Brad Pitt vehicle is actually going to do super well. So maybe it can end after World War Z. I’d be okay with that.

8. I want Snow White and the Huntsman to have a cameo from GOP presidential candidate John Huntsman, and for it and the other Snow White movie Mirror Mirror to do well at the box office. Also, what’s with all the fairy tale re-imagining in 2012? Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters also recasts the titular characters are strong warrior-types. I actually don’t mind this trend. I hope H&G also does well.

9. For Pixar’s Brave, about an adventurous little redheaded Scottish girl and the first Pixar film with a female protagonist, to be awesome and feminist and spark a worldwide ginger revolution, where gingers rise up against the stereotypes. Redheads are cool. Strong ladies are cool. I wish for both little girls and little gingers to find inspiration in Brave.

10. For Twilight fans to get everything they want out of Breaking Dawn: Part 2 and then to put the series to rest forever. Let everyone enjoy the final film in the series and then gracefully move on with their lives. I also wish for Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson to be able to leave all the Twi-hard hysteria behind in their careers -- it seems like they want to more than anyone else.

11. I’d like Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained to capture half the awesomeness of Inglorious Basterds (I liked Basterds but that shouldn’t be too hard) and to match even a sliver of Pulp Fiction.

12. I’d like to see a movie with an accurate portrayal of a transgendered person or perhaps, a transgendered actor or actress (like Hung’s Jamie Clayton) playing a character whose gender identity isn’t his or her defining characteristic.

13. I’d like for Wes Anderson’s new movie, Moonrise Kingdom to be more Royal Tennenbaums and less Darjeeling Limited. I like Darjeeling well enough, but if we’re granting wishes, then that level of brilliance can be expected.

 

All in all, some of these Hollywood dreams are going to be hard to deliver on, non-denominational Santa-like gift-bringer, and so I won’t expect much. How about just The Lorax thing, then?

 

Happy holidays!

Gaby Dunn 

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