Nerd Watch: Fan Writes Depressing (Yet Hilarious) Epilogue for the Characters from 'The Breakfast Club'

Nerd Watch: Fan Writes Depressing (Yet Hilarious) Epilogue for the Characters from 'The Breakfast Club'

Dec 12, 2011

What do you think happened to the kids from The Breakfast Club after their memorable time in high school detention? Did they all live happily ever after upon discovering their true selves? Or did they just grow up to be miserable people like the rest of us? One fan took to Reddit to pen a few pretty funny (and depressing) epilogues for each character, providing detailed descriptions of what happened in each of their lives once the credits rolled on Bender's fist-pump. Unfortunately it looks as though, yes, the world did eventually forget about them.

Check out the descriptions below, courtesy of Reddit user Wingrave.

Note: Some of these descriptions are NSFW and include foul language

"The five kids from The Breakfast Club. Ally Sheedy's character aside, they were all terrible people. Here's how their lives turned out:

Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) – A weakling whose failed shop project prompts him to attempt a public and spectacular suicide. He is fragile--a man made of porcelain. While working in the computer lab in his first year of grad school he encounters a sorority girl who can't figure out how to find Astronomy 101's online syllabus. He shows her how to use Lynx then routes the syllabus to the connected dot-matrix printer. As the printer screeches out the two-page syllabus over the next half hour, they talk. She thanks him and smiles. He is smitten. What he doesn't know is that she has just come away from a bad relationship with a classic Alpha male and that she wants to give nice guys a try. They go out. Brian worships her. They marry. Brian never goes for his PhD. He teaches high school shop to send his wife to law school. Although she married a nice guy, she never gets over her attraction to Alpha males. Now a successful attorney, she cheats on him constantly. He knows about it, but what can he do? He's too weak to stand up to her, and he loves her too much to leave her. In a weird way he doesn't mind. When she's out late at night he curls up in her shoe closet and masturbates while thinking about his wife fucking another man.

Claire (Molly Ringwald) – A spoiled WASP brat. She and Bender fall in love, but her parents don't approve. They can tolerate the brute's callused hand stroking their daughter's lily-white skin, but never that he might visit their country club. After graduation, Claire runs off with Bender. Cut off by her parents, she can't afford college. Bender takes a job working in a pencil factory. It's honest work, the money is decent, and the two of them are happy. Claire tries her hand at a number of jobs, none of which work out because she doesn't have any appreciable skills. She's still a princess at heart, though, and she still likes pretty things. She dreams of being an interior decorator. She and Bender take out a loan for $100,000 to get her decoration business going. It's called DeClaireAtions.

Things are fine for a while, then Bender loses his job because the fucking factory moved to fucking Honduras where they fucking pay kids nine fucking cents an hour to fucking make pencils. Claire's business is struggling because this new thing, HGTV, has convinced suburban housewives across America that they all can be interior designers. Bills pile up and the decoration business fails. Bender pawns the diamond earring she gave him that one day in high school, then takes the money to a bar. Claire, reminiscing over family photos, feels alone, abandoned, and, worst of all, poor. She slips away and returns to her family. Happy to have her back, her parents introduce her to Chip Estington of the Joliet Estingtons. He's in patent law or patent approval or whatever, something with patents. That stuff is so complicated. They have pasty white sex in Chip's McMansion. Sometimes she thinks about Bender, and her fingers drift toward her earlobe where she feels the huge diamond earrings Chip gave her. Then she doesn't think about Bender for a while.

Allison (Ally Sheedy) – Allison is the one decent person of the whole rotten lot. Sure, she's a little weird, but at least she's comfortable with herself. That is, until Claire gets her hands on her. Allison isn't accepted by the group until she's prettied up and made “normal.” It's uncomfortable at first, but she likes the attention. Who doesn't like being approved of? So Allison suppresses her weirdness, the core of her identity. She covers it with makeup. Leaving her old friends behind, she is pulled into the world of white-bread suburbia. She goes to a state college and joins a sorority. One night she and sorority sister share a bottle of pinot grigio. They listen to music. Allison plays a Morrisey record. Her friend thinks it's weird. Her friend plays a Richard Marx tape. Allison pretends to like it. Her friend smells like strawberries. Allison leans toward her sorority sister. The sweet odor of wine rises from her lips. Allison burns to kiss her, she's on fire, she's never wanted anything so badly in her life. But she doesn't, because that's not what nice girls do. She graduates and takes a job in an office.

The work is tedious, but the people are nice and they like her and it feels so wonderful to be liked. In 1991, while flipping through the channels, Allison encounters grunge. It hits her like an orgasm. She's never heard anything so amazing. The Alternative Revolution has begun. She considers moving to Seattle. She almost buys a flannel shirts. She almost trades in her pumps for a pair of seven-hole Doc Martens. She almost does a lot of things, but in the end, she stays where she is and gets back to her paperwork. She gets married eventually, but it doesn't last. He's a nice enough guy, and he treats her well, but they don't want the same things and there's no passion. Every word of the profile that matched her with her eventual husband was a lie. Allison takes a long look at her choices and she isn't proud of many of them. She makes herself a cereal sandwich. It tastes amazing. She dies her hair black and puts on some black eyeliner. She puts on some leather wristbands, ripped jeans, and a Siouxsie and the Banshees t-shirt. She goes to a concert—The Monsters of Grunge featuring a couple of guys from Mudhoney, the brunette from Veruca Salt, all of Seven Mary Three, and guy who was never in Soundgarden but used to jam with them. This concert makes her feel sad. She's old. Everyone there is old. She looks back and tries to see herself in her twenties, but she can't make out her own face. It's hidden by makeup.

Bender – (Judd Nelson) A criminal who torments his classmates. Bender falls for Claire. Falls hard. She's the first person in his life who has shown him compassion. He will always love her. He will kill for her. He tries to be a better person for her. He hasn't talked to his old man in years because he doesn't want that rat bastard anywhere near his beautiful Claire. She has her dreams, and he wants to make them come true. He works at that factory, making those fucking pencils for nine hours a day, but it's okay, because the money is decent, she's got new clothes and a new haircut, and those things make her happy. Then one day he runs into an old buddy from high school. The buddy asks if Bender wants to spark up a doob. He hasn't done that in years. No thanks. The buddy persists, and Bender starts thinking he hasn't hung out with anyone but Claire in a long time. He hasn't had a rowdy guys' night out since high school. So what the hell? The next day at work, the manager approaches Bender with some paperwork. Random drug test. He fails and it's not his fault. Why can't they leave the working man alone?

He can't tell Claire he lost his job. He buys her a necklace he can't afford. He puts it on the credit card. Money is getting tighter. He starts hanging out with his old friends. They float him a bag of weed and he sells it to some high school kids. He manages to pick up some meth, some coke. He's moving it in small quantities, being careful. The debt's getting smaller and smaller. Just a couple more scores and he and Claire will be okay. Then she gets that fucking design idea in her head. But what can he say? He loves her, and he's being too careful to get caught. The design firm starts making money, enough that he can get out of the drug business. Then the factory closes. Thank God. This sells the lie. He never has to tell her that he lost his job. Then HGTV. Fucking HGTV. The firm closes, and Claire's been sad, so sad. She's been looking through old photos at the nice dresses she used to wear. Thumbing through catalogs of furniture they can't afford. She's drifting away. He's losing her, and he can't stand it. Still, money is a problem. He pawns that diamond earring. He vows to get it back, but right now he needs a drink. He needs to think. He takes the money to a local bar, a place he likes where the people are nice and they always have football on. He sits down and orders a beer. Then he notices a guy sitting at the bar. It's that one guy, that kid from detention all those years ago. What was his name? Bender can't remember, but he's pretty sure that the guy and Claire were friends. Maybe seeing an old friend would cheer her up. He takes his beer, pushes in his chair, and reaches for the guy's shoulder.

Andrew – (Emelio Estevez) A bully whose abuse at the hands of his father has turned him into a sociopath. Andrew drops out of sports altogether and coasts through the rest of his senior year. He and his father don't speak much. His parents are mostly concentrating on his younger brother, who's got a hell of an arm for a nine-year-old, and let me tell you he's already getting real good at reading a defense. The little fling with Allison doesn't work out. They fool around for a couple of months, then one night in bed she bites his nipple. Alarmed by the pain and forgetting his own strength he pushes her away, launching her into a box of old trophies. She says she's okay but she won't look him in the eyes. They see each other less and less, and then the summer is over and she's at college. He never sees her again. His scholarship, which was tied to football, is withdrawn. He goes to a local college, but he can't make a go of it. He has a tough time focusing, and he doesn't much care for reading. The owner of the local Ford dealership is a booster and knows Andrew from football.

He offers him a job selling cars. He's a decent salesman. Then one day a man comes roaring into the lot, shouting at Andrew and threatening him. He accuses Andrew of sleeping with his wife. It's true, but Andrew denies it. This guy is so loud. Andrew's getting angry. If he could just calm the guy down, keep smiling, keep smiling. Then the guy throws a punch and Andrew's athlete reflexes kick in. He drops the guy with a punch then throws him into the trunk of a Lincoln Mark II, puts it in neutral and pushes it into traffic. After caroming off seven different cars, it ends up in a culvert. The guy shits himself and spends the next three years being treated for PTSD. Andrew spends a couple of weeks in jail. After pleading no contest in the civil suit, Andrew owes seven hundred thousand dollars in damages. He won't make that much money if he works every day for the rest of his life. He finds himself thinking about football, and what might have been if it hadn't been for that one fucking day in detention. It was their fault, he decides. He could have been somebody if it hadn't been for that fucking Breakfast Club. And what did that even mean, Breakfast Club? Nobody every explained that. Andrew goes to a sports bar to watch football. His team loses. He's drunk and angry. Why is he always so angry? Then a guy grabs his shoulder, and Andrew snaps. He goes in a rage—a Viking-level berserker fury of wrath. He breaks a chair over the guy's head. He smashes TVs, throws beer mugs, punches guys out. It lasts only a couple of minutes, but when it's over, the bar is empty except for the guy who grabbed his shoulder. He's lying on the floor, not moving, not breathing, and there's a lot of blood leaking from the crack in his skull."

Categories: Geek
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