Bad Romance: Which Monster Makes the Least-Bad Boyfriend?

Bad Romance: Which Monster Makes the Least-Bad Boyfriend?

Jan 31, 2013

Love bites. And if you're dating a monster, those love bites can be deadly. For those still willing to take the risk, this weekend's morbid romance Warm Bodies, which stars Teresa Palmer (Take Me Home Tonight) and Nicholas Hoult (X-Men: First Class) as a lively blonde and the dead guy who loves her, argues that zombies make way better boyfriends than do sparkle vampires. Is Warm Bodies convincing?

Maybe. But according to movie science, if you have to date a monster, you could do a lot better. We rank the paranormal paramours from worst to best according to their loyalty, cuddliness, cool points, and, of course, threat of loving you to death.

 

VAMPIRES

Brag Factor: Dynamite. Even with Gary Oldman's twin pretzel hair buns – or hell, Lestat and Louis' outdated Fabio locks – vampires are always the most charismatic creature in the room, so your friends will be totes jealous.

Faithfulness: With the exception of the ultra-monogamous Cullen Clan, vampires are a pack of Jerry Springer-style cheaters. They're prone to orgies with nymphet succubi, and even when their love is PG-rated, like in Let Me In, they'll start shopping around for a new human companion before they dismiss the last one. The most shameless vampires like Colin Farrell in Fright Night will even try to poach their neighbor's underage girlfriend – and she'll seriously consider saying yes.

Snuggleability: With their long fingernails and low body temperature, vampires are like beautiful glass sculptures – you'd rather admire one from across the room then curl up with it and watch Netflix.

Safety: A vampire makes a great, but fatal fling. Lead them on and you die. Break up with them and you die. In one unusual case, Near Dark's redneck vampire Mae commits to a blood transfusion that reverts her back to human. But failing that rare sacrifice, every romance with a “happy” ending requires the human to convert to vampirism. And even then, be warned: when the vampires in The Hunger grow weary of their undead lovers, they lock them away in coffins like baggage they'd rather forget.

 

ZOMBIES

Brag Factor: Abysmal. Not only will your friends think that only a brain-dead guy would want to date you, be prepared for super-awkward necrophilia jokes. And zombies are usually too dumb to hold a conversation, let alone a job, so guess who's paying for all the dates.

Faithfulness: Most often, zombies completely forget they were ever in love with you at all—never mind only liking you for your body, now they only care about your brains. Yet, some have an animalistic dim memory of houses or people they consider sacred, while Johnny Dingle in My Boyfriend's Back (a terrible 1993 flick with super-young Matthew McConaughey, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Fox and Phillip Seymour Hoffman) manages to stay sentient long enough to take his girl to prom. Watch out for super-promiscuous zombies like the titular star of Frankenhooker—those can be avoided by not rebuilding your dead girlfriend from the scraps of murdered prostitutes.

Snuggleability: After a wild night of romance, you'll have to spend the morning-after sewing body parts back on. And spring for lots of cologne—all that rotting meat has to smell.

Safety: If they really, really love you—like the infected groom in Zombie Honeymoon who restrains himself from biting his bride—you're fine. But they will eat your friends.

 

GHOSTS

Brag Factor: Pathetic. Ghosts either only appear when you're alone, or reveal themselves in ways where only you can see them. Telling your friends about your hot ghost boyfriend is the equivalent of saying you're in a long-distance relationship with a Canadian, or, you know, a beautiful girl dying of cancer who you’ve never bothered to meet.

Faithfulness: Ghosts are loyal—almost too loyal. They're trapped in the emotions they felt during death, which means that even when you're ready to move on, they can't. And there's nothing worse than a jealous ghost. Seriously: there is nothing worse than Eva Longoria as Paul Rudd's undead fiancee in Over Her Dead Body.

Snuggleability: No holding hands unless Whoopi Goldberg is involved? Enough said.

Safety: When it comes to defending you from killers, ghosts are brave—after all, they've got nothing to lose. But emotionally, they're a risk. Unless you just happened to move into a house with a handsome age-appropriate specter like The Ghost and Mrs. Muir to get a ghost boyfriend, you have to first fall in love with a human who dies. And even then, the rules of the afterlife are so screwy and unclear that it's impossible to plan for the future: Will they be sucked into a pool of light? Will their spirit come with you if you move? Will they be reincarnated into a baby and make things really awkward?

 

WEREWOLVES

Brag Factor: Solid. Sure, in olden days, suspicious villagers might pillage your house. But according to Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too, today's werewolves can also become ultra-popular jocks. A monster boyfriend who captains the basketball team? That's a fast pass to prom court.

Faithfulness: Dogs are loyal. Werewolves are dogs. Moon-sensitive killer dogs, but still dogs.

Snuggleability: Supreme. On normal nights, they're like normal humans. During full moons, they're massive teddy bears. And as the only warm-blooded monster boyfriends, Jacob gets to sneer to Edward in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, “I am hotter then you.”

Safety: Twenty-nine days a month, it's perfectly safe to date a werewolf—unless in human form, your werewolf is Chris Brown. Even when they turn, werewolves like Benicio Del Toro in The Wolfman and Julie Delpy in An American Werewolf in Paris have the self-control to protect their human against other werewolves. Only in rare cases do they try to eat what they love—and in Red Riding Hood, the most recent example of werewolf betrayal, the wolf who turns on his beloved Amanda Seyfried turns out to be her dad. As if werewolf stories weren't creepy enough.   

Categories: Features, Horror, In Theaters
Tags: Warm Bodies
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