One of the reasons why the first three American Pie films were so successful was because Jason Biggs knew how to play the sexually awkward Jim so well you almost figured Biggs was like that in real life too. And thanks to a very NSFW story his wife recently posted over at The Smoking Jacket, we now know that, yes, Biggs can be just as shy and awkward as he is in the American Pie films, and, yes, weird (and hilarious) sexual antics continue to follow him off screen as well as on.
We don't know if this real-life story happened with enough time for writer-directors Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg to include it in this spring's American Reunion, but it's funny nonetheless and totally worth reading. Here's the short version: Seeking a fun, creative birthday present for her husband, Jenna Mollen Biggs decided to hire a hooker to perform oral sex on her man. And then she wrote about it for all the world to read. From hiring the wrong "massage therapist" to offering a hooker a cashier's check, you couldn't write a better American Pie set-piece if you tried. (Well, you could, but it'd probably just involve Stifler peeing on someone at the end. This one is a little more, um, poignant. Yeah, poignant.)
You simply must read the entire story, but here are a few choice NSFW quotes:
"So my husband and I got a whore. I’m hoping, unless you’re some sick depraved dissolute of a person, this isn’t the kind of thing you hear everyday. If it is, f*ck you, I thought it was pretty gangster. So, ok, where do I begin? I wanted to do something special for his birthday, isn’t that how all these stories start? We were married for just over a year, and in Gemini years, that’s like twelve."
"The girl arrived at the proper whoring hour of 9pm. I answered the door in a see-through bra and undies. I led her upstairs to my bedroom where she set up her massage table. About thirty minutes in, I started to realize something was wrong. This girl wasn’t a prostitute!! This girl was a legit massage therapist!"
“Do whores prefer eyeliner or just mascara with a pinch of shadow?” I pondered.
Before I could answer the question, there was a knock on the door. My husband opened it to reveal a no more than three foot tall Filipino chomping gum and twirling her hair.
“Eva?” he exclaimed. “Hi, guys.” she purred as she walked over to a chair and sat down.
I was a bit taken aback. This girl looked nothing like her photos online. In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work out."
"Once we were alone, I was even more uncomfortable. Eva sat in her chair laughing and text messaging friends. I offered her a drink. She immediately declined. I hadn’t thought of it before but I got the impression it was in the hooker handbook not to accept drinks on the job. It made sense. One roofie and I could have easily scored my whole three hundred bucks back."
"The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work. This was awesome for me. I didn’t have to do anything. For a split second I got worried. “Why am I the wife who isn’t freaking out?” “Do I not love him?” “Oh my god! I am a monster!” Luckily, her long sparkly nails distracted me from my future couple’s therapy sessions and I was back in the game."
Read the entire story here. And next time you run into Jason Biggs, high five him for scoring a fabulous (and pretty, and talented, and hilarious) wife. American Reunion hits theaters on April 6th.
Note: Video is NSFW and includes nudity