Dear January Jones,
Can you just tell us who your baby’s daddy is?
Two months ago, after breaking up with your funny-man boyfriend Jason Sudeikis in (ha!) January, you gave birth to a baby boy. You famously declined to put a father’s name on the birth certificate and have been mum on the pops’ identity ever since. Instead of diffusing the situation like you probably hoped this silence would, being all mysterious has actually caused a flurry of conspiracy theories about your baby’s parentage.
January Jones, you have dated a lot of famous men. Congratulations on that. And obviously, if I looked like you, I would also date everyone. At once. And then when they got mad I’d be all, ‘Uh, I’m sorry. Have you SEEN me lately?’ So I get it. Totally. Right on, sister.
However, this just means the pool for the identity of your son’s father is so wide open, it’s like a game of CLUE with all good-looking, famous suspects. How am I supposed to resist that when I’m procrastinating from doing real work? I mean, really.
So even though there are way better things to care about, I’m kind of frustrated with all your secrecy, Miss Jones. For one thing, I am super nosy and I like knowing things, especially things that other people are specifically trying to hide. It’s like when your friend says, “I shouldn’t tell you but...” and suddenly, they really, really should. The more I read in US Weekly about you covering up who fathered your baby, the more I’m like, “Ugh, just tell us who it is!” If this is your attempt at keeping people interested in you, January Jones, then you and your publicist are doing an admirable job. Give that guy a raise!
Is your baby’s father so bad that it’s worth making a bigger deal by not saying who it is, than it would be to weather the big deal of you just saying who it is? (Does that make sense?) The more you zip your lips, the more outlandish my theories get. Is it George Clooney? Is it Oprah? Is it Tiger Woods? Is it Qaddafi? He’s dead, so there’s no consequences in telling the truth now, if it is Qaddafi. Is it Hitler? Did you take a time machine back to World War II and sleep with Hitler? Because unless you did, there is no need for all of this secrecy.
As far as my five minute Google investigation on the subject goes here are some people I think could be your baby’s father:
Jason Sudeikis: The funny, Saturday Night Live actor stammered on the red carpet when asked if he knew anything about your baby. He’s the last guy you dated before announcing you were pregnant. Though he’s said he’s not the father in interviews since, he remains a very logical guess. Plus, what a crapshoot genetically! Goofy or ice queen? George Wendt (Sudeikis’ uncle) or blonde bombshell? Who knows!
Michael Fassbender: No one on the Internet wants to believe this is for real, but turns out you got pregnant around the time you were filming ‘X-Men: First Class.’ One of your co-stars was actor Michael Fassbender, a totally hot hottie from hot-town.
If he is your baby daddy, I don’t understand why you’re hiding it. If I were you, I’d be taking out a full page New York Times ad and renting a skywriting plane. I’d brag about that shit forever.
Ashton Kutcher: With the news of the Ashton Kutcher/Demi Moore split ripe in the news, rumors and blind items are swirling that Kutcher, who you dated from 1998 to 2001, is the father of your baby.
Makes sense if you put together a timeline, which as the lead detective on this case, I obviously have: You and Kutch break up, he marries the hottie Demi Moore, you and he see each other again, rekindle with a little ex-sex (we’ve all been there) and oops! A baby. When Demi finds out, she dumps Ashton. Elementary, dear Watson!
A high profile adulterous tryst is certainly a good enough reason to keep the father’s name off the birth certificate. Also, in this case, Ashton is the anti-Fassbender, in the sense that I’d never tell anyone if he was my baby’s daddy. Good work.
Don Draper: This seems unlikely due to his fictional status. I only bring up the sexy ‘60s Jon Hamm character because your baby’s dubious paternity mirrors a theory I’ve always had about ‘Mad Men.’ Remember that part where (spoilers!) Betty bangs that dude in the closet? I suspect Baby Gene isn’t really Don’s! So maybe...somehow...Don jumped through the TV (‘Purple Rose of Cairo’-style) and impregnated you as payback for your character Betty’s indiscretion? It’s a leap but you’ve literally given the world nothing else to work with.
Bill Clinton: No good reason for this guess other than I never, never rule him out.
In the end, it’s your right to keep the name of your child’s father out of the press if you want to. You’re a grown woman, and you’ve chosen to raise your baby on your own. It’s all very honorable to try and keep the press out of your business.
Congrats, January Jones. You’re the only person in the world who can keep a secret. At least until you’ve got another movie to promote, am I right?
Thanks for nothing,