Film Face-off: 'Jack the Giant Slayer' vs. 'Mickey and the Beanstalk'

Film Face-off: 'Jack the Giant Slayer' vs. 'Mickey and the Beanstalk'

Mar 04, 2013

Jack the Giant Slayer is an old tale with a new twist. Aren't they all? Since Jack (Nicholas Hoult) isn't the first to fight a giant, we thought it would be best to give him the versus treatment with the most famous Jack of all: Mickey. Mickey Mouse (voiced by Walt Disney) first climbed up a beanstalk in a segment in the 1947 film Fun and Fancy Free, and then in 1963 it officially became Mickey and the Beanstalk, narrated by the famous Ludwig Von Drake. It's Jack vs. Mickey, it's Mickey vs. Jack, in the very first versus of epic proportions. You know, because we're dealing with giants.



Jack Mickey
Jack's mom died when he was little, his dad dies while he's still a teenager, and his uncle is pretty grumpy. He needs to sell his faithful horse just to fix a roof, but he ends up with beans. Mickey lives in Happy Valley. Don't let the name fool you. The well is dry, the land is barren, and he and his friends are starving. They slice bread so thin it's see-through. Mickey has to sell his beloved cow just to get some... beans.

Winner: Mickey. He's going through hell. While Jack is parentless, at least he lives in the land of Cloister, which has a beautiful castle, plays featuring dwarfs and plenty of opportunity.



Jack Mickey
I'm going to have to assume farming prepares a man for many things. He runs, jumps and swings with the best of them. Jack is incredibly well-read, decent with a knife, and even knows what herbs have healing powers. One problem, he's afraid of heights. First and foremost, Mickey is a great sleeper. He doesn't even realize the beanstalk lifts up his house during the night. He's also pretty quick on his feet. He distracts Willie the Giant (we'll get to him soon) by giving him a fake palm reading, and convinces Willie to try and change into a fly.

Winner: Jack. While I envy Mickey's ability to sleep, he really seems to be able to escape Willie because of the giant's ignorance, instead of Mickey's impressive abilities. Jack is afraid of heights, yet fights through it, and even uses a trick with bees that would make Mickey jealous.



Jack Mickey
Elmont (Ewan McGregor) is the loyal knight of King Brahmwell (Ian McShane) and would probably assume Jack is his sidekick, but since the title of the movie is Jack the Giant Slayer, we know better. Donald Duck and Goofy. Sure, Donald almost goes psycho and kills the cow, but later he gets completely cartoon flattened, then bounces right up. Classic Donald. Goofy barely speaks, but when they find the giant's food, he runs and jumps on Jell-O.

Winner: Mickey. While Elmont does have some humor, it doesn't get any more classic than Donald "Pantless" Duck and Goofy. They keep it light, which is exactly what you need when dealing with giants. Plus, Elmont channels some Star Wars when he says, "I'm getting an awfully bad feeling about this." Yes, I'm complaining about a borrowed idea borrowing a similar line from another film with the same actor.


Love Interest

Jack Mickey
Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) dreams of adventure, and it seems that she and Jack would be the perfect pair. But wouldn't you know it, she's a princess, and her dad is a little overprotective.  If you think it's Minnie Mouse, you're thinking of The Brave Little Tailor. The closest thing we have to a love interest here is the Singing Harp. She's a blonde bombshell who somehow has the power to sing beautifully and thus make Happy Valley lush, instead of the dry wasteland it has become.

Winner: Jack. Look, I want to give it to Mickey's magic singing golden harp, but he really only swoons for her once when she is singing. Otherwise, he doesn't seem that into her. Her powers would only intimidate the little guy. Plus, Isabelle puts on a gold outfit of her own at one point, clearly as a dis to that harp.



Jack Mickey
Fee, Fi, Fo and Fum are all giants. Yes, it's a little on the nose. By my count we have at least 60 giants who are all about 25 feet tall. They happily eat humans, can live a long time, and come from a magical land on top of the clouds. In a fight, they'll throw anything at you like bells and burning trees. There is also Roderick (Stanley Tucci) who is not a giant, but is clearly up to no good.
Willie the Giant isn't the brightest bulb, however he does sing lyrics like, "Fe, fi, fo, fum. He, hi, ho, hum. I'm a most amazing guy." Dumb and arrogant. He also dribbles a basketball, and has a snuff box. Say no to snuff boxes, kids.

Winner:  Jack. While some of the giants are dumb, it's not to Willie's level. Plus, this magic that Willie possesses could mean world domination. He can change into anything, which should include being a bigger giant.


OVERALL WINNER: Jack over Mickey, three to two. Down goes the mouse. We didn't even get to talk about magic beans, beanstalk length, and the final battle. All of those categories would have only bolstered Jack's win. While Jack the Giant Slayer isn't perfect, it is definitely a step up from other fairy tale reimaginings. Now if it would have been Donald Duck and the Beanstalk, who knows what that psychotic, raging bird is capable of.

Categories: Features, In Theaters
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