Harry Potter, Batman 3 and A-Team delays

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Half-Ass It’s the best book of the bunch, by far. So where’s the magic in the international Half-Blood trailer? We’re all obligated by some sort of wizard law to keep watching until the series is over, but at this point, it’s as much of a chore as sitting through Revenge of the Sith.

Twilight

Dear teenage girls of the United States of America: I curse you for making these damn books so popular, and ensuring that we’ll have to suffer through just as many unbearable movies. Watch this yawner of an international trailer. Now go watch an episode of True Blood. Which one sucks less?

Batman 3

Two-Face Christopher Nolan, I beg you – stop teasing us with sequel rumors. Saying, “I’ll only come back if there’s a good story” is not fair. You co-wrote the damn scripts for the first two! Pretty sure it’s up to you, pal.

Gran Torino

Get Off of My Lawn Here is a fact about Clint Eastwood: The older he gets, the more badass he becomes. He’s like a badass wine made out of badass grapes. Need proof? Here ya go.

Watchmen

Unwatchable Here’s some footage from the Scream Awards. Here’s why this movie will fail: Unless you are a hardcore fan, it’s confusing as hell. For comic book movies to cross over, they gotta be simple. X-Men? Mutants with superpowers. Batman? Rich guy with cool toys and a grudge. I’ve watched every damn Watchmen clip out there, and I still have no idea what’s going on. Geeks, you’re going to have to go it alone on this one.

Notorious

U Rappin’ Bad Lesson from the trailer: Expecting an actor to channel Biggie is a lot to ask. This guy’s flow is about as smooth as PaRappa the Rapper. That’s right. I made a PaRappa the Rapper reference. That’s how street I am.

17 Again

OMG, You Guys! I watched the trailer and realized something sorta embarrassing: I think I like Zac Efron. He’s funny and has nice hair. No, I’m not going to run out and watch HSM3. I like Leonardo DiCaprio. That doesn’t mean I’ve seen every episode of Growing Pains. Actually, I have. But that’s purely coincidental.

The A-Team

Soldiers of Misfortune Dudes, I have some bad news. This is going to hit you hard. Like a punch in the face from B.A. Baracus. Ready? OK. You are going to have to wait until 2010 to see the A-Team movie. And Ice Cube probably won’t be in it. Take heart, though: If you think this is going to stop Hollywood from cashing in on an easy remake, you are wrong. It is inevitable. Like a punch in the face from B.A. Baracus.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Switcheroo? Boo! You cannot fool me: Though the vinyl-clad vamp in the trailer is pretty darn hot, she is not Kate Beckinsale. This unforgivable substitution is almost as blatant as the Hilary Swank for Ralph Macchio swap in Karate Kid III.

Hairspray 2

Wise Man John Travolta says he doesn’t want to return for the sequel. That makes two of us.