Unfortunately this week’s column wasn’t inspired by The Hangover, but by a real-life hangover – the kind that makes you feel as if someone took a baseball bat to your head repeatedly while screaming bad Britney Spears lyrics in your ear for approximately eight hours or until the Tylenol kicks in.
So, yeah, during this restless state of annoyance, five celebrities who’ve worn out their welcome came to mind. These folks were great when the buzz was going strong, but now you wouldn’t be the least upset if they wound up lost on a random, desolate island with some strange smoke monster and those ladies who braid hair. In no particular order …
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
Riding the Buzz: They were the hottest couple on the planet back in 2005 when Pitt and Jolie starred opposite (and underneath) each other in Mr. and Mrs Smith. Prior to 2005, the two were in a league of their own, racking up magazine covers and sexy photo spreads faster than it took Megan Fox to count her tattoos.
The Morning After: If I have to look at one more blurry photo of Brad and Angie and their United Nations-inspired brood at an airport/donut shop/supermarket, I may just down the entire bottle of aspirin and be done with it all. Can another planet just adopt them so folks like me never have to write the word “Brangelina” again?
Riding the Buzz: You know you’re hiding a secret greater than Victoria’s when an entire nation full of women want to cut their hair like yours, and everyone was really rooting for you, our good Friend, after Brad Pitt bailed to shack up with Angelina Jolie.
The Morning After: But then you turned into this whiny serial dater who stars in one awful romantic comedy after the other, and poses for countless That’s-What-Friends-Are-For photos with Courtney Cox as if it somehow hides the fact that guys just aren’t that into you.
Riding the Buzz: He’s calm, cool, collected – the perfect “Man About Town.” We liked him on ER, loved him in Ocean’s 11, 12 and 13 and married him after Michael Clayton.
The Morning After: So you’re sexy and mysterious and have a really deep voice that makes it sound like you’re talking down to everyone while being slightly inebriated. We see the tan, the perfect hair and that dashing smile. There’s just one thing: you never really act, like, ever.
Riding the Buzz: Oh, how adorable and quirky was Michael Cera when he co-starred on Arrested Development and made funny penis jokes in Superbad. He was like the dorky best friend you always wanted to punch, only funnier and cuter in that “He’d be perfect for my shy, insecure best friend” kinda way.
The Morning After: Yeah, we get that awkward-nerd shtick, but enough is enough is enough. God, do something different, Michael – dress up like a Portuguese ninja assassin waitress and blow up an orphanage in a silent indie film funded with a credit card. Get wild, be adventurous – give us at least one reason why all Canadians aren’t way boring and wimpy.
Riding the Buzz: He proved that a bronzed, oiled-up six-pack goes a long way in Hollywood, and after almost defeating the Persians in 300, Gerard Butler became the go-to guy for …
The Morning After: … really crappy romantic dramedies, comedies and mediocre science fiction flicks. His role choices are about as boring as a three-hour math lecture. Does this guy have an agent, or does he ask the wall for advice?